I have to to apologize
For the way I feel

Why, in the name of God, would I ever want to return

Peel off our skin,
we're gonna burn what we were to the ground
Fuck in the fire and we'll spread all the ashes around
I wanna kill away the rest of what's left
And I do, yes I do

And nothing can stop me now
There is nothing to fear
And everything that ever was
Is inside us here


Tali wants me to date Mr Boring. She says it might just be the best thing for me. laughs!! perhaps perhaps.
{ 12:02 PM }

Fucked up.

Had trouble falling asleep last night. I have so much on my mind. Disappointing others, disappointing myself. Irritating others, irritating myself. The journey home was a fucking drag. Each step was a fucking drag. Even as i sit here after i warm bathe i'm plauged with problemS.

i hate this.
{ 7:55 AM }

quick update:


*Neversweet 'no love' mommys-lil-monster.blogspot.com says:
OMG

*Neversweet 'no love' mommys-lil-monster.blogspot.com says:
HAHAHAAH SOMEBODY POST ONE OF THE GENES AND SOC QN ON YAHOO QUESTIONS

hana - you cry you learn says:
WHAT

hana - you cry you learn says:
LOL

hana - you cry you learn says:
OMG

hana - you cry you learn says:
U GOOGLED TT

*Neversweet 'no love' mommys-lil-monster.blogspot.com says:
.... =P

**

I think its been a while since i pms-ed. wait. let me rephrase. Its been a while since i realise i'm pms-ing. I think i'm pms-ing. Been exceptionally emotional for the past few days. Been being rudely harsh to my friends and even bitchier to the public. golly.

received the dreaded essay assignment on Republic today. Okay cher, you can do it . One at a time. shall complete the stupid genes and soc assignment tonight.
{ 9:40 AM }

I NEED TO STOP BUYING STUFF.

i bought seventy dollars worth of accessories in a matter of minutes. I blame it on the sales lady. When i signalled to her that i was ready to check out of the store, she told me to wait. And i did. and i picked a few more ear rings and shit from the shelf during the interval. Fuck. =( i'm realy broke now. sigh.

caught grand torrino. Im so stupid , i only found out that the old man in the show was clint eastwood only when the credits rolled. its a good show. made me cry.
{ 2:04 PM }

its been a while since i lost it. since i felt like slitting my throat and just bleeding to death. its been a while since i called you and begged you to come over because i was going insane scratching myself like im some diseased..thing. you dont know how much self control it took for me not to hit her. argh.

FASTER COME I NEED TO GET FUCKED UP AND DIE

dont know why. times like these makes my wrists hurt. im not joking. its not a hurt hurt feeeling. like a stinging sensation at that special area.
{ 8:04 AM }

I....feel like shitting.

Was just thinking about something. you know how they say ' its better to love and lost than to not love at all?' well i beg to differ. I much rather not know what love is than to experience the excruciating pain of losing the one tt i love. because. we all know it hurts. like fug. That period was tormenting. i felt like dying. And i was just thinking about some of my friends who've nv dated ( not tt i know of) in their entire life ( well sort of) and they seem to be just right. They're not screwed up like me. They're optimistic, cheerful and a joy to be around. I wish i was like them. I wish ( somehow i htink) that i've nv met a single jerk in my life. I wish that i've nv met a killjoy becos srsly i have such a cynical view on the four letter word that i cannot possibly comprehend why people even believe in it. I acknowledge that love exists and it'd be an awesome thing to have. But just like the existance of the creator of the universe, its out on my realm of existence.

There are a multitude of opposing points you can shoot back at me. I can think of a few. gahh.
{ 8:51 AM }

SCHOOL IS SUCH A BITCH. I DONT WANNA GO FOR PROJECKT MEETING. I WANT TO CURL UNDER MY COMFORTOR AND ENJOY THE SMELL OF RAIN AND SLEEP.

update: yay. 1/2 of essay complete. ARGH.
{ 7:29 PM }

[LiTing] says:
im a lil confused

*Neversweet 'no love' mommys-lil-monster.blogspot.com says:
friends lor

*Neversweet 'no love' mommys-lil-monster.blogspot.com says:
i guess

*Neversweet 'no love' mommys-lil-monster.blogspot.com says:
we still fuck

*Neversweet 'no love' mommys-lil-monster.blogspot.com says:
HAHA

[LiTing] says:
but u guys seem so close

*Neversweet 'no love' mommys-lil-monster.blogspot.com says:
BUT EMOTIONALLY nth more thn tt

[LiTing] says:
!. then tts more than friends

*Neversweet 'no love' mommys-lil-monster.blogspot.com says:
no la

*Neversweet 'no love' mommys-lil-monster.blogspot.com says:
in my world

*Neversweet 'no love' mommys-lil-monster.blogspot.com says:
tt is friends
{ 7:53 AM }

i love stars. they're so pretty. star tat soon. but where? i cant decide. rawwrr
{ 10:24 AM }

If you think u're mean just take a listen to what others say about you. chuckles. easy and stupid. definately trumps being messed up dont you reckon.

anyhow. I. am. fucking . broke . i am so broke i cannot afford to spend on anything other than essential nows. which is a good thing. i think. no its not. well at least i'll stop eating so much. Ah. back to the broke old days.

for this week i am going to study, smoke less and exercise.

the fucking throb in my head is pissing me off.
{ 7:55 AM }

fucking.tired. goodluck for the bio test tmr. gahh.

towned with vicki and friends. melvin was supposed to get his tulip tattoo but didnt in the end. cuz martina saw her daddy and we had to run away. laughs. he seemed fer real. nice.
{ 12:05 PM }

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end

You could have it all
My empire of dirt

I wear this crown of shit
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here
{ 1:11 AM }

I should have been studying but i went shopping instead. my legs are killing me. i. am. dead. tired.

School was fun; only a 2hr tutorial. chris and josh are fulll of shit. And i cant believe manda articulated my lameass suggestion! what an embarassment!!

Bummed arnd in school for a while before making my way down to bugis. Today was an emotionally charged day. For the most part of the journey, i felt like turning back. and the thought crossed my mind as i stepped into the train but i thought " ahh fuck. i'm alr here"

splurged. fucken broke.

thn got dragged to FUNAN ( the horror).

felt like shit for the most part of the time but i cudnt exactly articulate it. i'm crazy. Seeing old people makes me really crestfallen. " cuz they're sad, lonely and old. as if being sad and lonely isnt bad enuff". sigh. and i feel so sad for them. working like shit, slogging thru life like shit while undeserving rich fuckers squander their life away. its not fair. I wish they didnt have to suffer like that.

Mommy bought me a lovely bag. very vintage. i like. (:
{ 9:19 AM }

This is getting dangerous. must stop must stop!
{ 7:29 PM }

for the first time in months, i did my own nails. and i ruined it. like a few minutes later. GAHHHHHHH. -salivates gargles on the floor- AND ANNNDD i accidentally broke a cig. how is tt even possible!! i was in a rush, and somehow . . idk what happened but i heard a ripping noise. and there it was. a broken stick. in my hands. it wasnt fully torn; so the top part was just..dangling. like a limp dick.

my mother so irritating
{ 9:20 AM }

I feel an awesome sense of achievement finishing a 1.4k word essay in two and a half hours. :D:D one essay down. two presentation, one debate prep, one 12 page essay to go. I have to start of my 12 page essay tmr or tonight if im able to master enuff courage to embark on this treacherous feat. like srsly. am a little afraid. cringe.
{ 5:35 AM }

Shaney you're not god. stop trying to save the world. you cant. the world is ugly. At least, the world i live in is ugly. but i respect you. i respect what you're doing. sorta. uncorrupted. resptect.

Hanny i love you and i miss you so much.
{ 12:39 PM }

OH MY GOD NINE INCH NAILS SG. 10TH AUG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAAHHA EXCITING EXCITING EXCITED!!! WILL BE COUNTING DOWN. WHICH ALSO MEANS I'M COUNTING DOWN TO MY EXAM BUT FUGGGGG NINNNNNNNNN. IT'S GUNA BE BETTER THAN PRODIGY. FUCKING F U C K I N G CANNOT WAIT.
{ 3:52 AM }

{ 12:42 PM }

Using using using. just keep using.

I love your room.
{ 6:29 AM }

{ 8:05 PM }

and just past your lips there's more anger than laughter

I am truly very much afraid. hush.
{ 8:44 AM }

I came home dead tired on saturday. Even though i had close to twelve hours of sleep the night before, i still felt extremely lethargic. Didnt feel like clubbing but i had already bailed on tris once- felt bad. Night got better when tris managed to convince kari to club as well. haha she's my home girl. but still felt damn lethargic. almost dozed off at winebar. But the night got better. Managed to trance abit with geran and friends. i love trance. Its not sleazy at all. Ended the night crazy dancing with a bunch of divers. Was sweating like shit after the last song. what a good workout!

And i dont know why. i srsly dont know why. perhaps it was because i was severely dehydrated or something. we were walking to where the cabs where when i started seeing stars. goodness! actually i think i noe but im too embarassed to say. haha blush blush.

I think i'm guna be lke nise. Distance myself from people who can potentially do me harm. Its the most expediant method. And its not like they care if i disappear or not. so its a win win situation. i am not afraid of the awful unsure feeling. i am not afraid.
{ 12:55 AM }

**deleted

Tris was nice enuff to meet me despite the fucking rain for drinks. Had a rather enlightening talk..about stuff. so yeah i'm not gonna be bothered by the trivialities.
{ 4:22 AM }

Ah. the familarity of a sleepless night before school. Actually, to be precise, i've nv had a sleepless night. it was always an hour of rest..minimum. But this time, THIS TIME.. zero. zilch. no slp at all. fucking hell. Geran convinced me to bunk at his place, on the basis that if i went home, i'd nv make it to class. which is true. wud've slept my day away. so here i am, surviving on a million sticks and a can of redbull. was in school by seven thirty because my dear friend just had to go school. pfft.

I think i'll just get tali go come over later. dnt think i'll have the energy to town. so lousy. yes yes so lousy. i love sleeping.
{ 3:50 PM }

I feel weird. :(
{ 8:16 AM }

It takes the death of someone to galvanize us into appreciating the things around us. how sad is that.

Matt was on top of the world tonight. He couldnt stop smiling. He had that smile. That smile which I used to have. Used to irritate the shit out of hanny with. That smile which screamed fuck all of you, i'm the happiest person on earth. I miss that smile. I know how he feels. Makes me happy to see him like that. really. Was selfishly appropriating his moment..vicariously. Well he deserves every drop, very ounce, every fucking modicum of happiness. Everything seems to be gg right for him . i'm not envious i'm not jealous. i'm ..happy. for my friend.

We were chilling at botanic gardens and i didnt even noe it. D'oh.

Adri questioned why hadnt i had anything to be sad about. I gaped. I didnt noe what to say. oh god. How do i even go about answering that question? Well i'm not fucken suicidal i-want-to-get-drunk-and-fucked-up-and-mope-arnd-all-day sad because , truthfully, i'm tired of that. I'm sick and tired of feelin that way. of sulking and pouring my 'problems' out to people because i'm quite frankly tired of repeating myself. And its not something i cant handle. I know i can. just give me time. Till then, i'm taking things as they are. I'm not going to block my thoughts because its tiring and it makes me feel worse. I just let them flow.. and flow.. and it'll pass me by naturally. Because come on, how long can my mind replay the same thing over and over again? It'll go away as inocuously as it came. so yah. like tt lorzx

And i dont get why u're so protective of me. Like does it even matter what i do. It doesnt impinge on your life at all. Or your image. so why do u bother. If anything happens it falls on me, not you. why do u bother. I know you'll never answer this question. And you never bother. I know you have better things to do thn baby me. So dont lah? you dont have to. you dnt need to. sigh. And no this is not a i'm so touched but why do u do this stunt i'm pulling. I sincerely think its unnecessary. NOT that i'm saying get the fuck out of my life. I just dont understand. you know? Enlighten me. but u'lll never. i'm not expecting an answer from you. you know that. Probe and answer from you, and i'll just get a ' fuck you i'm gg off bai' . ok lor.

This is what i'm talking about. Things that i want to change, answers that i want, forgiveness that i want to seek, people that i want to patch things up with; i dont bother. Dont even bother trying. Because i know its of no use. I know the outcome. So i spend my days dreaming. and when tt sick feeling sets it, i groan and push the awful memory away.

I bumped into my best friend today. i fucking miss her. i fucking miss her alot.

Hope. you say. maybe. just maybe. false hope love.

why so pessimistic

why so fucking sanguine?

Boys treat girls like objects. I realise that i've been treating them like objects as well. Believe it or not, i dont consider them ( yes i know not all, but some) to have feelings. It sounds a lil insolent and stupid but srsly. And often i'd exclaim ' omg u feel' or something along the lines like that, and they'd ( the guys tt i meet, not my friends, i have strangely emotional guy friends) look at me-horrified. I'm sorry but i really mean it, when i do say it.

argh i'm rambling.
{ 8:37 AM }

"And such people carry on in an altogether amusing fashion, dont they? Their medical treatment achieves nothing, except that their illness becomes worse and more complicated, and they're always hoping that someone will recommend some new medicine to cure them.

And isnt it also amusing that they consider their worst enemy to be the person who tells them the truth, namely, that until they give up their drunkeness, overeating, lechery and idleness, no medicine, cautery, or surgery, no charms, amulets, or anything else of that kind will do them any good?

It isnt amusing at all."
{ 8:07 AM }

Dress like we do
Speak like we do
Think like we do

Obey Beneath a cold sun
Watching you walk away
Where my terror runs
In rivers of decay
I am invisible
I'm in this room for days
Teeth on every wall
That never go away

I'm made of blades and flames
I'm sick and dangerous
You're still my favourite prey
Cause I hurt the ones I love

You're so lovely when you cry
You're so perfect when you lie
You can be my crucifix
You never saw it coming
You never knew what hit you
Hold me up to watch me die

<3 OTEP.
{ 12:37 AM }

I felt my lips go numb. pins and needles on my lips. I was choking, coughing but his hands remained firmed, clasped around my neck. Could tell he was afraid. of killing me. But i wouldnt have it. put his hands back where they were. closed my eyes. and for a brief moment, i remember smiling.
{ 3:06 AM }

There are bullet holes where compassion used to be

Hanabanana Choo Wei Chen Ben Fong Nick Gary

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