In an effort to catch the merce cab, my mom and i did a mad dash down the stairs. I had a slight feeling that the way the cabbie spoke portend a sinister argument with my mom. He had an almost palpable air of arrogance around his. what with the prestige and gratitude wwe owed him or the cab just because its a merce -rolls eyes- I let out a muted laugh when he almost made a wrong turn. I was about to lash out at him when i recalled what willy said. that most of this cabbies were miserable sulky retrenched GMs living in denial and dellusion. so i kept my mouth shut, betting instinctively that my mom would give him a better piece of our minds later. haha and she did. sucker. you're just a cabbie. remember that. i dont mean to be so condesending but he asked for it. he even had the audacity to say that we should be GRATEFUL that he allowed us sit in the stupid cab. not his. personally i prefer the new toyota one. :s

i dont like paramore

i feel so out of his life. Like . i'm just out of it. tell me i'm very much in it please?
{ 6:37 AM }

i dont know why i feel hurt. but i feel hurt. i dunno if i should. but i am. sighs.
{ 9:02 AM }

{ 8:47 AM }

Bummer. First he ignores my call just because i was unintentionally away when he called me. Thn he gets mad at me for being mad at him because i stupidly waited 3 hours for him to call me back. I am not sorry i broke down on the phone because i was stressed. hell, i'm not even expecting you to be there for me anymore. that wud have been the case back then but now? it has regressed into a pathetic i hope you're there for me. It gets worse. Then he hung up on me. laughs i think thats the worst thing you can do to an emotionally unstable human with a vagina. you could very well guess what i lasped into next. But i kept telling myself. get a hold of yourself. get a hold on yourself. you HAVE to. so emo time lasted shorter thn usual. extremely short. and i tried my best to focus. doing what i always do. and it worked. Sometimes i think i'm too rational to do stupider things.

and all that time spent hanging onto the phone not speaking a word, not knowing what i'm hanging on to for, was spent psychoing myself to walk away. just walk away. do it cheryl . just walk away. i managed a meek attempt to end the conversation. he muttered something after that but he had hung up too early to hear me ask what did u say.

i didnt reply his msg after that. i dont want to quarrel with him.

avoid

avoid

avoid.

you're becoming just like them. you're becoming exactly like them. kill the spark or kill the flame? i'm so scared. I dont know if its a blessing or a curse but ..oh i just cant bring myself to sae it here.i should have killed the spark. i should have always killed the spark. but i didnt and you burnt me into a crisp. It wasnt fun while it lasted. It was hell. with specs of happy moments in between. i liked the happy moments and perhaps was drawn to them because they left me hanging. you always kept me hanging. and until now, i keep wanting more. - not that i have confused reality. i'll never want it bad enuff to actually make an attempt to have it no. but you keep me hanging.

its not about him. its about me. standing on my own 2 feet. I dont need anyone. Its something i have to start telling myself more frequently now.
{ 7:37 AM }

I felt so frustrated doing chem because i didnt know how to do most of the questions and its so frustration because i cannot see why i am wrong. and it even more frsutrating that i'm laggging beside and i cant seem to catch up and there so little time left and i feel like giving up.
{ 5:52 AM }

tiring day. i was rushing my history homework the whole day. Chem being the least of my worries. its so wrong. i should buck up my chemistry. because well, i'm losing touch with it. the book or the boyfriend. I cant believe he's gonna act like some maniac running and screaming for hayley/haily/heywhatever girl. and he forbid me to go. -sulk- so irritating. just so fucking irritating. i think that day will be a horrible day for me. knowing my boyfriend would be chasing some other girl. [haha]. whatever

my mom called me like a million times this afternoon while i was having my mock exam. god i felt so irritated. i mean how fucking paranoid can u get. Its not just that. Its the reason she was so worried for me. It must have been her fucking scandal. [ insert vulgarities] mom your life is so screwed up its deeper shit than mine. your fucking ego blinding the truth, painting the image that you're above it all. in control of it all. my ass. your stupid, you're dumb. just like how i was. so so so disappointing.

hais.

i was watching janet jackson on Oprah last night. she was trying in vain so convey the msg that ppl shud be engaged in more imprt things thn her breast. she did a pretty bad job at it. her only example being the iraq war -rolls eyes-. i could tell she didnt even noe much about it. and i dont think thats a good example anyhow. world poverty would be better dont you think. tsktsk.
{ 7:26 AM }

sometimes i feel irked at who i've grown to become. like the primordial sense of pride that is just so shallow and the lack of self esteem and will tht i need in order to achieve greater things. Then i read stuff about the human race and more often thn not, writes about stuff thn makes me feel embarrassed of what i am. its silly..is it?i mean, take a look at ourselves. yes, there is some good in the world. but the amount of bad far outweighs the some . ; like ouh ma gawd i cant believe i belong to this group of people. sometimes i feel this way. - just a bimb's insight on the human race.

politics is dirty. i dont understand why people critisize so much about it.

Pride is just so evil. i think its more evil than jealousy. Jealousy drives ppl to do crazy things, pride is self torture at its finest.

sigh. i shouldnt be here.
{ 1:39 AM }

{ 7:46 AM }

meow meow's fast asleep beside me. curled up in a ball on my comfy white sofa while i sit on the rock hard floor typing this entry. today was a tiring day. for the both of us. I made the mistake of bringing her out to orchar cos i couldnt trust leaving her alone at home. she got so scared she couldnt stop meowing. really loud. attracted much attention. this lady stared at me cos she tot i was stealing it. its not my fault.

i think service is really important in doing business.

shortly after meeting den in town we headed to her place. and bam bam took a peculiar interest in meow meow's asshole. i dunno why he kept licking her butt. so smelly. and i brot her to shit. thank goodness! cos she peed . i am so tired

i miss my baby. he's sleeping too. i miss him alot. i wish he could show up at my doorstep tmr morning but he'llbe too tired. i miss him so much.

we went to sentosa last night. it was a huge thing for me cos she last time i went there , i left with a bad memory. sentosa changed soooo much. its all hustle and bustle now. i love beaches at night. instead of spending quality time listening to the waves crash and hugging each othr and whispering sweet nothings, i was busy teasing that fucker. sorta regret it. like..we shudve been more mushy..i think.

i'm really glad i got to hang out with my best friend. caught up alot. everyone's in the same shithole. i feel terrible. and i need my boyfriend. boy , i feel terrible.
{ 9:14 AM }

I couldnt sleep last night. i dont know why. I was dead tired-my eyes stung and yet all i had was..about three or four hours of sleep. i went to bed at 12, woke up at 2, tossed and turne till 4. when it was time for me to wake up, it was like waking up from a short nap.

went to see kitty after chem. it suckled on my fingrs, thinking they were tits. my hands got pussy drool all over. lololol. it learnt how to climb up a relatively tall platform today!

i cant wait for it to come over tmr. i cant wait i cant wait. I think i need a pet. my house is too quiet most of the time. perhaps a pet would reduce my dependence on geek so much. Its too quiet. with my mom being out so much. rarh.

he's not answering his phone. i miss him. i need someone to talk to.


{ 4:52 AM }

so cute right. haha

{ 6:10 AM }

i feel like a piece of shit really. stress makes me wanna grow fatter. stress and boyfriend makes me sit in front of the tv, digging deep into a tub of vanilla geleto. thn go up to my rooom and break down.

The day started rainy. i woke up wishing i could stay in bed longer. Looked at my phone without any new messages. said stupid boyfriend in my head cus i knew he was gonna do some major ignoring today. thn boyfriend told me he wanted to stay over tonight. told myself it was too good to be true, but still ..hoping. I asked if it was okay if he cud leave early the next day cus i had to study. thn his lazy side responded by telling me thn maybe staying over wasnt such a good idea. said stupid boyfried i knew it was too good to be true in my head. mom came home and asked silly questions and threw me a 300 dollar gold chain. said it was for me. it was the ugliest thing ever. makes me wonder how much she understands me. thn a message came from boyfriend saying if i really wante he cud come. i laughed to myself. some surprise. From something out of will to something obligatory. i told him if he wanted to. Thn another msg came in saying he cudnt make it cos the shit ends at 12. i replied nevermind thn took a big spoonfull of vanilla ice cream.

i guess all i can say ( to mask my true ugly self) is that i appreciate the effort.

whatever~ this should be a place wheere i i'm supposed to be myself and yet. with the serepetitive prying eyes, i feel a little...self conscious.

and ouh my gawd i know a cool drummer from thailand. tts like fucking awesome.
{ 5:48 AM }

like the only blogs i visist are hana's and nise's. sheila changed her url. lazy ask her for it. i wonder if lien's one is still alive. i sorta took a day off from studying becuz i felt a cold coming last night. scary. very scary. cant afford to fall sick. so i popped a pill , went to sleep and woke up 10 hours after. didnt do n e thing productive the entire day because i cannot study when the sun is out. i hate..orange. i hate orange. yes i HATE orange. but my house is so full of it.

jennnyyyy..whats the problem now. hahaha fucking hell. stupid song
{ 7:47 AM }

{ 7:17 AM }

I dont like sunny days..i dont like overly gloomy days either. cloudy days are the best. with just the right amout of sunshine permeating thru the clouds. not too humid not too cold..though dank. is dank even a word. dank sounds cute. hahaha

went towning last night.My mind was caught up with the guilt of slacking the past few days. I didnt tell him. I didnt want him to nag at me. somehow..i think he really wants me to study. we didnt do much..which is what i enjoy. I didnt want to catch a movie cos i thought it was quite a waste of our time. I bought marilyn manson's new album. he bought sum41. LoL.

and i'm always torn between going out or lazing at my place/his(when i have the time) because i so desperately want time to slow down to a crawl. pulling down the hands of the clock with all my might.

Hung out at my place a while before sending me home. If it wasnt for time i think we wud've made out. * censor censor censor*
{ 10:11 PM }

There are bullet holes where compassion used to be

Hanabanana Choo Wei Chen Ben Fong Nick Gary

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