Monday, July 31, 2006
I guess everyone , at some point in their lives, burried themsleves in a lie, i burried myself on the inside. conjured up a world of paper flowers and nice pink prancy things. Worked out fine at first, but the flowers started to wither and the gay ponies morphed into demented gargoyles. so what am i to do, tear down this wonderful hole i dig up to hide myself in, or walk out face all the sic-ness and rot and decay . Its like i'm having a nightmare and i wake up, only to realise that life is equally bad. so i shut my eyes and fall asleep only to me taunted by the same demons that run amok in this shitfuct place.

I dont know what to do. and i'm kinda scared. I'm screaming for help but i wont ask for any. I've never felt this low in such a long time . I forgot how i got thru it but i remembered there were alot of silly things involved. i'm afraid because i know i can do anything. that thought alone is enuff to make me wee in my pants.

pallets..

{ 8:07 AM }

Saturday, July 29, 2006
Had intended to run with thomas in the morning..but they had some shit at the stadium ( as usual) . I wasnt about to let that destroy my morning, so we walked all the way to the nature park. and walked Trhu the dense path and walked up this really steep slope and past an ah pek and maid whu were kinda making out to this place with a wonerful view of some okay . i'm not a geog person i dont know what to call it. Its like a small guilin . anyhoo. we continued climbing in search of the jap memorial tt attracted me to climb in the first place. I thought it was some graveyard or something. how disappointing. It turned out to be some huge bronze book. :f. I saw a 3 legged doggie. poor thing. It was afraid of us. I saw a squirrel too!

Ha. rewarded ourselves with healthy salad and tomato soup and ahem waffles after that. walked home and prepared for hell

Its more than just words
Its just tears and rain

{ 7:09 AM }

Friday, July 28, 2006
oh my. i'm so thoroughly spent! i cant wait to hit the bed.

I made a bet with denise last night in accordance with the whole " for every 10 bad things that happens, smth good will follow" becaused i felt, with full-fledged grieve that i deserved some goodies for all the shit i've been in (for the past few days). haha. that girl won the bet. cos the goodies came today . *drowns in a delerium of honeyy* =D

I'm glad things turned out the way it did.

Anyhoo, felt really lousy in the morning. ( i had a bad night) I feel guilty for pulling a long face at bozoh. oops.

{ 8:03 AM }

Wednesday, July 26, 2006
I try not to talk about the class whenever possible because..everything is so..intricate, interlinked and i cant say a thing without bringing in the other. I dont blame anyone..its natural. everyone does it. So do i. -shrug- and i hate it. Its in everyone, its all the same. I'm breaking from this cycle and just be an outsider looking in...for once.

Random : please stop talking to me .
Random : i just wanna scream
Random : you'll never know how i feel. not like you'd care.

Shane says, denise noted that for every good thing, something bad will happen. where's this bulk of goodies? whre the fuck is it.

{ 8:09 AM }

Monday, July 24, 2006
The two of them were engaging in their usual silly verbal assaults about trivial matters. It was dinner time but i was the only one eating. I stared at my bowl of rice for a few moments and unintentionally blurted out the words " I hate my parents" .


bang bang


Broke down in school. Felt so callous after that , i could have done anything.

my dear ah pek teared during math lect and i didnt even noe it. But its all good.

{ 7:35 AM }

Saturday, July 22, 2006
I realise that i'm (almost) always angry.

I woke up at 11, went back to sleep at 1, woke up at 3. Despite the abundant amt of sleep, i'm still tired. not sleepy doozy woozy tired but heavy lids, thumping head tired.

{ 9:08 AM }

Friday, July 21, 2006
Its the way the morbid lyrics and the screams and the music that calms my rage, erodes my sorrow, leaving me feeling...at peace, admist the mental pandemonium. Had the ear plugs stuffed into my ears almost thru out the entire day. even during bio lect.

I would have told him that he was the only thing that i could love in this dying world. but the simple word of love itself already died and went awayy. All the drugs in this worldd, wont save her from herselfff

GrR, for some shitfuct reason, my ipod takes an uncanny liking to songs from seether and puddle of mud- which irritates me. Odd, considering i was the one whu put those songs in.

Watched pirates with nise, han hsien and his friend. the ending sucked. It killed the entire movie. i dont even noe whats it about. Just an ardrous exhausting long and winding journy for some stupid chest, punctuated with humourous fight scenes.

{ 8:34 AM }

Thursday, July 20, 2006
okay. after letting this page idle for 30 mins. i have decided to write something.

I think my behaviour towards my parents has becoming increasingly intolerable and selfish. I am a non-comformist and hence my inherent trait of being unable to compromise. Not that i'm unreasonable.. ( i think). I wanted to leave for home first cos i knew my parents would take a long time to settle their shit and all but my mom refused. i dont know why. i dont see why not? they ended up fighting anyway. and i reached home an hour later than i would have. tired . spent. i dont know. i suck. grrr.

I feel as though i'm not reeping what i sow. I put in effort but i dont see the rewards, its like i'm still stuck at the same place. not getting anywhere.

Turn around
Do you really play me like a fool
For you

I see you watching her
When you dont think i know
Should I let you go



{ 8:19 AM }

Wednesday, July 19, 2006
I'm in an oddly euphoric mood. Maybe its because of the many cups of coffee i drank from the vending machine. i love it. 40 cents coffee rocks.

I was strolling to the washroom during break, my eyes fixated on my awesomely black ipod. A moment before my hediously embarrassing act , i was thinking about how windy and nice the weather was. thn BOOM. this horrifying streak of lighting and roar of thunder. I screamed , jumped and hurried slassh waddled slash ran back to the bench where luan and den were sitting. At that point in time, they were already convulsing in laughter. WHAT. even 29 saw it. bah.

My parents just insulted their marridge and i'm not the least affected by it. -shrug-

{ 7:11 AM }

Tuesday, July 18, 2006
gee. i just learnt about the origins of hiccups. i feel noobie. anyways, my eyes sting. fatigue is piercing thru me. ahhhh. this entry will be damn random. and the world is so fucking small.Just a few days ago i was telling nise about someone, and aud was like beside me. Todae i found out she knows her indirectly

I had fun laughing at nise. First, her shoe [note: singular] got 'stolen' and for the entire period until she got her shoe back, she nv stopped oie-ing. so funnies. and thn she got teased by the guys, like alot. which is very entertaining. so yeah, my pek made my day.

mmmm. that stupid guy just had to sit there and block my view.

I dont like class politics. :f i dont like tension..but its hard. cos i can see where both sides are coming frm and emphathize with them completely. HaHa. This is what happens when u have many political opinionated classmates. Not to mention, historee students. Fancy a geog one calling for a revolution. oh my. i'm crapping.

And i'm so tired i cant sleep cos when i close my eyes, my head hurts and i inadvertently squint. Its that hard so relax. and i've still yet to pack my bag. gosh.

{ 6:49 AM }

Sunday, July 16, 2006
i am alone .

{ 7:12 AM }

Saturday, July 15, 2006
The tears wont stop flowing. my stomach wont stop hurting.

I hate you for walking out on me
You come back here right now and let me stab you like you did to me.


you lot are just the same. thats why i never liked your kind. in fact, i detest . AC for life.

{ 7:49 AM }

Friday, July 14, 2006
I'm no barbie doll
I'm not your baby girl
I've done ugly things and
I have made mistakes
And I am not as pretty as those girls in magazines
I am rotten to my core if they're to be believed
So what if I'm no baby bird hanging upon your every word?
Nothing ever smells of roses that rises out of mud


I see ppl falling around me. Its hard not to join em. i am constantly reminded for the pact nise and i made on tat fateful day where both of us were nothing close to being in full possession of our faculties. In other words, that pact is rather...inane, considering we weren't being logical. Interesntingly, it does help. But everyone's gone and i'm alone. Once again, the thoughts eat me alive. Subliminal thoughts. Got individuals blind.

{ 8:54 AM }

Thursday, July 13, 2006
PUIE. i'm dead beat.

Could have gone home and catch some snoooze but nnooooooo had to have prata with mark. haha i make it sound like a bad thing. but its not. the only down side is that caused me precious sleeping time.

Just a while ago i was feeling sooo loved. haha i have no idea why. i felt like spreading the love even tho i'm devoid of any. such irony but now that fatigue's taking over.. i hardly have the mood to do anything. except sleep but i doubt i can cos my brain cant seem to relax.

I dreamt of jerk twice this week. That does not mean anything.

{ 7:32 AM }

Wednesday, July 12, 2006
I love grey sky mornings. There's smth about how gloomy it is that makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. .what u call..melacholic? But my moood wanned as the day proceeded. 2 bangs . one chem, the other..associated with matters of the heart. But Andi came over and cheered me up during break. I wish i cud be in his class, thn i would feel so much smarter. being in 30 makes me feel like a dumbass. a fucktarded nobrainer .

Nise was feeling awefully morose too. so being the good friend i am, ditched cca and got whoozy instead. We were like 2 idiots walking around town. I was talking shit. she was talking shit. i wanted so much to break down and cry. but i couldnt. I think i like denise better when she's off. she starts swearing and talking shit. i laughed to myself as she stumbled around , trying hats on. hahaha weiiirrdd.

i peed alot -frown-

So here's to plasticity. What cant reach you cant hurt you.

{ 5:02 AM }

Monday, July 10, 2006
OMG. I HATE GUYS.( by that i mean only a particular few)

First of all, WHY do u ppl like to keep everything in. and WHY is it so hard to commit and compromise?. and u selfish bastards only think of urself and ruin who u love. Standing there, is a girl who can give u her heart and sooul . But nooo you have to go for someone unreachable. challenge? more like cheap thrill. Either that or u make someone fall in love with you, thn just walk right out. -snaps fingers- just like that? and why? because u changed ur fucking mind. hell.

grrr. i hate you. you make me sick to my fucking stomach. Btw, this has no relation to the above content . not really. Its just that i have friends whu have been hurt, and i see this happening over and over again.

And u (different person) better stay out of my sight because each time i see u, the urge to slap ur fucking face grows. and i hate for my hand to touch ur filthy skin because u reek . you are a very model of how miserable a person can get and i will not stoop to ur level and be as shallow as you. you're a fake and deserve no pity for it.

{ 3:14 AM }

Friday, July 07, 2006
OUH MY GOURD. i had the most enlightening chat with mark. I dont know what teh fuck changed him and made him the way he is, cease very much to care anyway. But its definately much better than before and i loike. Life is too short to care about so many stuff, or be disciplined enuff to stay morally on track.

-gri nn-

{ 8:59 AM }

Is is wrong to miss you?

oops. what a horrible start. I meant to make this entry a jovial one but i'm kinda too tired and stoned to do so. Jenna made me the center of attention during class, by highlighting the silly grinn on my face as i looked at my phone. WHAT. Like she never does it. I reckon she does it more than me. -laughs- my jaw ached >.<

you dont know me
you dont even care


{ 7:46 AM }

Thursday, July 06, 2006
I love grey mornings.

I wonder if everyone has to keep secrets. I know friends are there for a reason, and i can tell my friends almost anything because thats what they are for. But not all, because some dont understand, some cant keep secrets, some will get offended, some dont care and most just give horrible replies. I guess ppl just have to keep secrets. Not because they want to, because they have no choice. And i read somewhere that the best listeners are strangers. Because they dont know you, they dont matter, so you have nothing to lose. so yeah, i loike strangers.

I could always air my sorrow to some inanimate obj but it doesnt feel as comforting or as right as having someone just listening. That person might not even hafta respond. Just listen. I think thats wht everyone needs and wants.

Some people are so used to keeping everything in that they forget how to let em out. Even when the right person comes along, and screams (figuratively) for them to open up. Slowly let the pain eat em up alive, till all thats left is useless regret.

i'm not like that. At least i would think so. Its just that everytime i let someone in , all they want is to see my thoughts take shape thn walk right out. jerk1 did it, so did jerk2. The next one comes , and i'm thinking-why bother? -shrug- cos it might be different? nah. same situation. just different faces.

lalalala i'm so tired. Jenna get well soon!

{ 6:52 AM }

Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Had a tiring day walking around safti, all in the name of national education. Gee, i never thought there'd be good looking army guys. All along, i stereotyped army ppl to be black , ugly, horny and disgusting. maybe all of them are- on the inside. who knows? But some were actually not bad! esp the navy ppl. saw em swimming. whoooo.

I dont know if i shud do my eom like tonight or tmr during free period. Ha ha ha.

i miss him

Take it all away
This pain you gave to me

{ 6:43 AM }

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Honestly, I'd never thought his presence would irk me so much. I wonder if it'll get to the point where it makes me lose my appitite. I wonder.

{ 7:09 AM }

Sunday, July 02, 2006
Have not laughed so much ( in a fully conscious state) in ages. I laughed so hard i had tears in my eyes till the black became all smudgey. apparently i'm horrible at doing other people's nails. I couldnt stand how he left his other hand unpainted so i made him buy a white nail polish. -laughs- Turned out kinda horrible. i blame it on the bad lighting and the product.

Saw that kid drummer again. Hate his dad. I still think his dad is exploiting him. so poor thing. I dont think he's aware of it. I wonder if he enjoys playing for hours with onli 5 mins interval after each song. over and over again. tsskk

Orchard's hosting a few bands here and there in light of the ARts festival i think. darius and i walked past this on sight, an emo rock band. Thn the singer opened her mouth and chink spewed forth. my oh my. felt like moshing there and then. Lol. and thn there was a Red indian group. hilarious. i think my mom wud have loved it.

Once a ran to you
Now i run from you

{ 8:13 AM }

Neversweet*

There are bullet holes where compassion used to be
Loves

Hanabanana Choo Wei Chen Ben Fong Nick Gary
Dont look back

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