Tuesday, October 30, 2007
I went stood in front of my reflection with the knife against my throat. i pressed it lightly..harder..thn concluded that i probably did not possess the physical strength of slash my throat . and the kknife was too blunt. I dont like living. i really dont. pull the trigger pull the trigger. i wish i had a gun. But the experience was sensational.

you're the only one im living for

{ 3:41 AM }

Monday, October 29, 2007
Denise wants me to blog about the cock block guy we saw at west mall. ok..so i'm blogging about the cock block guy we saw at west mall. haha it turns out the handsome beng she bio's at coffee bean is the irritating beng i dislike working there.chub chubs. wahahah

i feel so....shitty. The surge of confidence and trust..and the sudden precipitious plunge to a lethal level of...null. so irritated. this is so unfair. i feel as though i'm racing backwards..for the sake of racing. to pretend that it doesnt matter. but it does. it really does. so much.

i think...i like dreams.

He was late today. i refuse to accept anything else. HE WAS LATE. stupid stalker. lol

{ 7:58 AM }

Sunday, October 28, 2007

I feel hot sticky and smelleeee. i guess i should take a bath before doing any work. i doubt i can get n e thing done in this state. As it turned out, he did come over..an hour before the next day.
He's currently hooked on this song which reminds me of a certain someone. He chided me for linking a memory to a song. i didnt protest. Even though i know very well he links memories to songs too. well i put that song on repeat and it has been stuck in my mind ever since. I wasnt moved by the song or anything. all it did was bring me back, very vividly to the exact moment in the past. oh those memories. bullshit. they were a load of bullcrap.you were a liar and a thief.
when was the last time i loved life? i'm not sure but the last happy moment was captured the above picture. just you me and the still night. hot and sweaty..but the freedom and the escape makes up for it. i love you.

{ 6:29 AM }

"Of the 82 PAP MPs, only 3-1/2 expressed views that resembled mine - Mr Charles Chong, Mr Hri Kumar and Mr Baey Yam Keng. The half was Ms Indranee Rajah, who suggested 377A might be scrapped at some point, only not in this century. Her citation of how long it took to end slavery suggested we might have to wait roughly 2,500 years." taken fron an article from the Straits Times. OK CORNY but it made me laugh. i think its funnie.

{ 5:58 AM }

Friday, October 26, 2007
i woke up feeling awful. i think its because of the awful dream i had. i'm having a slight headache . i feel bad for cancelling on denise even tho i think she's happy too. lols.

i miss him. alot. probably way too much for my own good. i feel like seeing him today. i doubt its possible. i dont think he'd travel al the way here just to see me. i feel unsure about his love. maybe thats why i keep asking him probing questions, to get an inkling of how he feels about me. but i always end up no where. sad.

he's never constantly there for me. and i get so paranoid when he doesnt ans his phone because i just dont know when i can get to hear his voice again. it pisses me off. i dontt hink he understands.

i went to sleep one night w.o hearing his voice because he had dozed off. that night was a bad night.

i cant believe i'm crying a 9 in the morn.

and i'm jealous of all his friends who get to see him more often than me.

he was supposed to come over and studi wimme today. but thn somehow he has a group meeting and jamming session later on. and it turned into a ' drop by town to find me ' kinda thing. i feel robbed.

distractions. i need distractions. and perhaps i shall focus on the one nightmare that never disappoints.

{ 6:33 PM }

so cute hor





FINALLY I GOT MY lappy working again! all thanks to the recovery disk nise lent me. wahahaha so happy la. its like magic i tell u. I am dead tired. i studied with nise till my eyes hurt. we left sch at around 2 ( had consultations till then) started work at 330 and shivered our way till nine. and in the space of time i managed to cover all the homeostastis chapters. come to think of it, quite slow. =( sigh. oh well i shall pretend not to acknoledge that fact.






moving on.













so ugly but he insisted on doing a nicholas-ben shot. i didnt know how to do a ben shot so i gave a rock on orgasmic shot..which i think is quite off from the actual one. hahaha. willy looks like a light bulb.







here's my loverboy looking all cute. i think. hahaha the angmorhs behind look so candid.




{ 7:48 AM }

Wednesday, October 24, 2007
omg! i can finally blog. haha using the sch's comp. so stupid. n eways everyone's blogging about willy's birthday. i was browsing thru his friend's blog just now and i cundt help but to laugh. with myself.



Brought him to the night safari on his birthday. i didnt expect to be revolted but i was. the animals look so different as compared to those on animal planet. I prefer those on animal planet even though they seem further at least they're more lively. being caged up is just different. and i'd have lesss tom complain about if the enclosures were larger. but they werent. they were small and puny and the lions were skinny. and the bulls were so bored they resorted to licking each other's testicles. HOW SAD IS THAT. and the guy beside me just heaved a huge sigh. i wonder if its because i'm typing so loudly but I'M SORRY MY LAPPY BROKE DOWN. we only ate the birthday cake the next morning. i rather badly smashed up birthday cake. ( the guy just glared at me)



Went to the nearby coffee shop for supper. he asked to yell at me for the remaining 15 mins to his birthday. i said yes. thn i waited 15 mins before tellnig him to get a drink for me. hEeX.



we ended of the night with an organsmic quicky. best combination ever.



the past few days have been lonely. went mugging with sha, khai bear ilyas and his girlfriend ytd. i accomplished quite abit.

{ 1:54 AM }

Tuesday, October 16, 2007
you know what. we're all pretty much fuctup. In our own special way. FUCTUP. we're all fighting our little demons . they may have different faces, they may use different ways to make us scream and whisper diffeerent things and hum different lullabys , but we all have them.

I think teens should have a union. haha

sigh. I'm losing my teenage-hood. I hate it. its like going thru a premature mid life crisis. i dont want to grow up.

{ 6:10 AM }

Monday, October 15, 2007
today is such an amusing day. i woke up at 630 to embark on a personally challenge to complete a set of revisions. turned on the teevee only to be informed that by 2050, almost half of britain's population will be obese. HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH ZOMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Later in the afternoon, when my mind was idle and the roadworks were too noisy, i decided to get my dad fetch me to the nearby mall to get some stuff. but when i looked out there was this HUGE. HUGE vehicle. blocking the way. it was massive i tell u! like 3-4 cars long. that kinda thing. i laughed because my dad cundt get out. lolololol

thn at westmall, i noticed this tryning to act jap aanime char guy.( at least thats the look i thinnk eh's trying to go for). he had skin as tan as a potato WITH SILVER GREY WHITE HAIR. hahahahhahah how weird is that?!

Thn at night, just a short while ago, i decided to search for live paramore performances. OBJECTIVELY, she looks damn retarded live la. hhahhahaha .

{ 7:24 AM }

Saturday, October 13, 2007

The love of my life.


Its his birthday next week. Usually i'd be all out iin trying to make it special but he takes the special out of special. He says he doesnt want n e thing special . and knowing him, he probably means it. my jaw dropped when he sorta told me he didnt want me there cos i ought to be studying. If it wasnt for the awesome something ( i feel obliged to exercise a little self censorship) we had prior to that comment i wud have bitch slapped him. hurt nontheless. Thn i woke up with the awesome idea of celebrating his birthday on the eve. but he told me his friends were alr planning to do that. i rollled myself recalling vividly that i had booked him (more accurately) ON THE 19TH like a month ago. but aparently him being him slipped his mf-ing mind. i feel so exasperated. and angry and silly to think that i'll be at home studying on my boyfriend's birthday. how fucking silly is that la. rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
but whatever lah. i might as well take the 100 bucks back from nick and just not do n e thing for ur stupid birthday. so irritating.

{ 11:46 PM }

Friday, October 12, 2007

He's probably smelly, drunk and lying by the roadside eating roaches. and..fingering himself. i swear they're all gay. haha i look like i''m guna eat someone up.
i'm tired but i still need to study to make up for lost time. we spent BX's and wan li's birthday this afternoon.
In my excitemnt and eagerness to scare him with the packet of dried maggots and i ended up spilling in on him and on the ah pek beside us. got chided. oops. sorry.
he got a little mad at my fickle-mindednss. i'm sorry. Had dinner with ben and willy. quite funnie. haha.
dunno la.
miss him. bleah. shall go burn now. ta

{ 8:36 AM }

Wednesday, October 10, 2007
this is denise . she seems to be on an unglam spree so i think i'll help her. haha. dont sad okay? i love you

i've been cranky the past few days. i fought with my mother ytd. felt like abandoning everything and moving out. she said some really hurtful things that made me feel like a loser even though i wasnt one. mom u're the loser.

woked up happy to find tht no one was home. that meant i could have my morning puff. went to school. laughed. studied home. rarh. busy. canot blog properly.

i miss my baby. he said some nice things last night. i like you wild. laughs.

{ 7:49 AM }

Sunday, October 07, 2007
i was showering and i was thinking. i was yelling at him in my head. i was thinkingof the past and the present and the recent and i was so revolted i SNORTED. can u believe it. i snorted. with myself. naked. in the bathroom. the thoughts were so vile and repugnant it elicit an actual snort instead of a muted on in my head.

i havent and i doubt i'll ever forgive you though the issue about my right about being mad at u is debatable. i simply cannot bring myself to overlook whatever u did by telling myself you were naive back then because its just so...revolting.


i have to eat ur cum while you dont have to eat mine. now THATS unfair. and there are prolly a million other things. but whu cares right. i've pretty much given up ( quite sometime ago) to uphold eqality. there have been things i did that werent right but i think they're pretty much justified. dont really regret. Like how u dont really regret anything that u did.

my actions are all reactions.

{ 8:01 AM }

this is so unfair.

anyways i was supposed to meet nick in town today. but i forgot. actually i didnt. All along i meant to meet him on monday but in the midst of studying somehow i mis-arranged it to today. so i made my way to yck and back ( my fault n e way) to remove a hundred bucks off my wallet. golly did it feel lighter. and now i'm back home. cranky.

double f ucking standards.

{ 6:49 AM }

Thursday, October 04, 2007
I have been talking to him so little this week! we hardly message because he takes eons to reply and i'm either too busy to reply or cannot be bothered to do so *shrug* he does that too what. We have not been talking on the phone too! Even if we do its just little snippets. i do take the time to call him when i'm free and we talk a little..like max 10 minutes or so. Other than that i never hear from him. I called him just now but he was in the cinema. *rolls eyes* yes shut the fuck up i know its not his stupid fault that he's watching a movie when i called him but it just fucks everything up because i wanted to talk to him then and i doubt i'm gonna talk to him later because i think i have other thigns to d0 ( i always do) and i dont feel like talking to him. omigosh did i just say that?? i surprised myself by confiding in denise that i didnt feel ike talking to him. i guess its just another person i'm alienating. the one thats closest to my heart. *slaps myself*

I just sat under the shower and cried. the throbbing headache and the dangerously low self esteem. and the missing boyfriend ( i'm not blaming you). i just cried. and i think i went crazy because i just walked butt naked into my bed, curled under the covers and slept for 2 hours.

maybe i'm the alien.

i'm surprised that he told me he was looking forward to chatting last night. but i let him down by calling him just to tell him i wanted to sleep. cheryl thats not you. i'm surpised that he text me that he missed me when i didnt say it first. this week is so weird. i didnt know you like talking to me. i didnt think you'd say that. i'm not being sarcastic. i was really not expecting it.

i dont see the point of playing dumb:

honey for the thousandth time i'm sorry for being so cranky and weird and lonerish this week even from you. im sorry i get mad at the littliest thing you do even if you did nothing wrong. you have every right to get mad at me but i wished you didnt cos thats the least i need right now. I dont mean to be so reclusive. but i have no idea why i'm doing this. i just feel so out for ur life and i see no point in forcing my way in. or making an effort to.

Sleeps are not as satisfying as before because i only hear a little of ur voice before i go to bed. and u're always out. but i know its not ur fault because u do not want to bug me. and i cannot help it that u take eons to reply because u're working or with ur friends and i just get lonely too easily.

gahhhhh.

give me a reason to live.

i..reallt need someone right now. but there isnt anyone.

{ 6:42 AM }

Monday, October 01, 2007



And I'm praying
that we will see
Something there in between
Then and there that exceeds all we can dream



{ 6:21 AM }

Neversweet*

There are bullet holes where compassion used to be
Loves

Hanabanana Choo Wei Chen Ben Fong Nick Gary
Dont look back

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