I'm feeling ..vapid and despondent. I'm not sure its linked to my exhaustion or not ..not that it matters. Opted for a long slow agonizing walk home instead of the bus( from swiss). Odd enough, the walk home was not as arduous as it should have been. In fact, it felt shorter thn it actually is. I felt so low and dejected thinking about the evils of ths world- not like global warming and war kinda shit. I looked around me and saw this old man w, slightly bald, with whatever remnants of his grey hair , dishevelled and oily. He had his head resting on the table and a can of beer beside him. He seem to be talking to himself. He looked depressed. sigh. Later on i crossed the path of this old lady. She was lagging behind her nagging husband. With a cane in hand and, she struggled to catch up with her husaband. I felt awful.

I have to admit, there is something akin to icy comfort in enveloping yourself in darkness.

i absolutely loathe my mother.


Something takes a part of me.
Something lost and never seen.
Every time I start to believe
Something's raped and taken from me... from me.

Life's got to always be messing with me.
Can't they chill and let me be free?
Can't I take away all this pain
I try to every night, all in vain... in vain.
{ 7:53 AM }

I am not happy. waking up early for the past few days has left me exhausted, tired and sleepy before the sun even begins to set. I miss my 12 hour sleep , i miss waking up at 1, slacking till 3 before taking a shower and head off to town . O week commences in a few hours time,which leaves me at most 6 hrs of sleep, HALF of what i usually have. Another early morning on friday as well, in light of FIS. I think they want a stayover on tt night. In other words another night without sufficient rest. Thn there's the party on sat night, which meannsssssssssssss i have to wait till sunday to get my rest!! I hope i do, because sunday is also boyfriend day, which meanssss i prolly have to wake up early and drag my ass all the way to his house. Tiring.

In an frustrated attempt to relieve my mind frm all the worries and troubles, i snuck into the condo beside my house for a good tan and a relaxing swim. There's something about basking under sun tht puts out the unnecessary anger in me. Its as though i was soaking up positivity. haha how zen. I guess a more logical take on the msytical abilities of the sun would be that in focussing on the heat on my body , i had inadvertantly tucked the demons away. Either way, it was cathardic. i also brought along The Monk Who Sold His Ferarri to read. hahahhhaha talk about initiating change . Self-help books are corny and boring, but this one appeals to me and is able to grab my attn because of the way its structured- as a novel, not a banal list of To-Dos. I would like to add how i used the 40 laps of swimming to chanel in the positive and sweat out the negative but i'm afraid that this para is zen and alien enough. ha ha

Minutes before the day officially came to past, my mom called me cheap. I felt as though i was slapped by a huge tide. I felt an immense sense of defeat, like all the effort to stay sanguine and content had gone down the drain. My mother had to bring me down. Now all i can do is not think about it. There are more pressing issues that seek and are more worthy of my attn.

I will be able to fall asleep tonight.
Fatigue will pull me from the real world into sweet slumber.

oh and i bought two books! Both anne rice novels. I felt an innate desire to escape frm reality. Turning to books once again. but sigh, I DONT HAVE THE TIME.
{ 9:29 AM }

I'm really really really really tired. As willy would aptly puts it : Tired like one cock tt has been wanking non stop for 8 days.- okay, maybe just 4. I feel like sleeping. But my bed is littered with my ez link card, my bra ( HAHA), shorts, a book, my bag, my wallet , my phone and some clothes. I would have to curl up if i really really wanted to sleep. I dont know why i'm tired, i have no reason to be. I had a whole 8 hours of sleep and hardly did anything exhausting today. All i did was make my way down to school in a taxi , to get my stu card and go for the metric fair. which was effing fun because of the tarded arab in purple. She kept shoving me to booths!

I still have alot of tutorials and lecture notes to throw, files to clear/move arnd. Dang

sigh sigh. I dont know if i shud go for day zero. i dont even know when it is. hahah i'm ignorant like that.

I met anne today . I thnk she's nice.
{ 7:48 AM }

I dont know why my mother always does the opposite of whatever i tell her to do. I know she means well but what her overly concerned mantra does is ruin my plans and motives! Its infuriating.
{ 8:28 AM }

Im so glad hana's back haha, back to the good ol days of shameless flirting and outright bitching. Popped by wala wala friday night cus boyfie sorta fucked up ( but its all good), had some drinks with hana and salimah before heading off to WESTMALL to meet the boyfriend. We caught batman and walked home after. i thoroughly enjoy such nights where we catch a late movie and walk home. Met her (again) on saturday, together with shane and moses. chilled at timbre, danced and sang our hearts out to nice music. sang our hearts out in the cab as well. shane was feeling emo , so was i but with the wrong reason. haha.

I just came back frm timbre actually. Its 3.30am and i'm not about to sleep. sigh

We caught little miss sunshine together in the afternoon. We were sitting beside each other on the couch and holding hands. we hold hands while watching teevee. i find it extremely loving and sweet. :) i love my boyfriend. these two weeks made me realise how much i love him and how much a enjoy spending time with him. oh well.
{ 12:22 PM }

{ 9:03 AM }

I had party-less fun tonight. Met my awesome friend for gossip brunch. Boyfie joined us after. Went to raffles place to drop off reg forms. Walked aimlessly. Ate alot. Finally settled at some cosy american cafe. Tried to go home but had to walk to another bus stop because the one at esp was closed becos of of ndp reheasals. Walked in the rain with my boyfriend beside me. Accidentally got to see the amazing fireworks, which I surmised was an eloquent expression of how i feel when i get an orgasm. Oddly, the other people apart from us at the place we were standing at were army people. They were so lame, but in a funny way. Slept on my boyfriend's shoulder on the busride home ( i rarely do tt). Had awesome sensual sex. haha i was a lil apprenhensive in disclosing this to ev.one but he sorta made me say it. A goodbye fuck. sorta. and it was so damn good.

Koh samui here i come. Haven even got to getting my tanning lotion yet.

HAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!! I LOVE THIS!! OLD SCHOOL!!

{ 8:12 AM }

NOW EVERYONE KNOWS WHAT A DORK I AM. HAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!!!
{ 9:36 AM }

I cant even begin to express how irritated i am. Nowonder you have a brain of a 66 old man, you're just like mother. I was supposed to meet the boyfriend for lunch today. Told him i'll be there around 2.I started calling him at 12.30. couldnt get thru for like several times ( it'll be a million if this happened like a year ago) , so i went home instead. Its 2.40 now and he sitll hasnt called me. rolls eyes. Dont give me stupid reasons like u're phone died okay, even if it did , i expect you to have the wit to use ur friend's phone to call me or something. GOODNESS! AND DON AND DREW IS SO FUCKING IRRITATING. argh.
{ 11:39 PM }

{ 8:16 AM }

I think that i'm not good enough for anybody. I appreciate but scorn at pathetic attempts at comfort that involve denying the truth or saying stupid encouraging things. I hardly give a fuck if you comfort me at all. Listen . Just listen.

This week has been good. Nothing happened, save for a little tiffs here and there. Aggitating. Saw my X-ray. lungs looked a little..cloudy. walked out of the place telling myself i'll never take a stick again. smoked 3 sticks tt evening. (hahaha)

Hung out with denise. tsk tsk. so much drama. wah, most of my friends have drama in their lives now. thats good. Back in school, it was so mundane. oh how i remember school. full of fucks. fuck fuck fucking fucks and fights and good make up sex and fights and fights. But those were the fun times still. I was so into you it got so crazy. Now is just awesome fucks. awesome horny drunken fuckss ahahahahahahahahahhhaha :D:D:D:D I can hear you sighing darling. but i know u're smiling.

goodbye apathyyy

You're a legend. Only in this room.

I think this week is okay because gosh im just so tired of fretting over the stuff tt i've been mulling over for weeks! Unknowingly, my persistant laziness had chucked such emotionally exhausting matters aside. I still think about it, occasionally, but it no longer has the same draining effect. yeah, so shit happened. alright.

Its not like you cared. I know so well you dont care, but at one point in time my mind began to fool itself. So i had to take some time off to tweak it back on track.

we speak in different voices.
{ 10:18 AM }

I am missing sunday mornings.

Lately its been getting harder to pen down my thoughts. I worry about the consequences too much.

Boyfriend's mad at me for wanting to spend Saturday with him. I had it all planned out. Fuck i hate 'unexpected' fucking events tt have to fuck everything up.

I want to curl up in your arms and burry my thoughts with your kisses. I want to sleep peacefully, feeling safe in your embrace. I want to get lost and get fucked up with you. You're all cowards. Too afraid to take a fall. I love the fall. Hurts when you crash, but the journey six feet under tastes so sweet. Too sweet. But if everyone wants it that way, thn i guess i cannot have the other. cowards.

I think i need to start erasing. I dont feel so sure anymore. In fact i'm afraid. Afraid of all the trudging i might have to do. But it has to happen. Eventually. People keep asking me why. I asked myself why. why why why when you know it is going to end. I used to have higher hopes and brighter dreams.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Those sleepless nights.
{ 9:49 AM }

I dont think it ends here.

Even though today was utterly mundane, i feel accomplised. Satisfied that i went to work, satisfied that i headed home after work and had no plans at night, satisfied that i managed to do something intellectually stimulating. just slightly disappointed that i didnt go for that dreaded run. Its all in the mind. Its all in the mind.

Hana bought a corset for me. I pray tt it fits.

Mother bought me new perfume. smells awesome. :D:D:D:D:D
I still find her annoying

Had my first call fromt boyfriend at half past eight at night. But i was in sweet slumber. Drooling, dreaming of a farting competition. hahahah

I feel as though i'm in limbo. Neither here nor there.
{ 8:42 AM }

-type backspace type backspace type backspace- I just cannot bring myself to disclose this to the public. I cannot. And even though i have no other intentions other than expressing my gratitude to you for being such an awesome friend, people might mistake me for otherwise. so i guess its gg private.

more updates later. Shall go check on my rice ( hope its nt burnt!)
{ 1:56 AM }

I think i just made baby pissed. I feel bad. miscommunication.

you're killing me.
{ 7:33 AM }

A captive of the past
{ 9:05 AM }

I CANNOT believe ( even tho its quite believable) i was trying to shuffle, in my pajayjays, in front of the mirror, at three in the morning!!!!
{ 11:28 AM }

Some people pride themselves on being the better than everyone else in the room, secretly to mask the sordid, bald, hurting truth that they suck. So thick their veil of ignorance that they themselves are deaf to the whispers of acidic insult and gossip behind their backs. Its such an eyesore to see these kinda people trying to prove themselves to be better thn the people around them, when all they're trying to do is to feed their own ego in a desperate attempt to reassure themselves. I hate it. time and time again, i grit my teeth to prevent myself from lashing out . What are you trying to prove. I see that, but why are you proving it to me and the others? when the most important person that you need to convince is yourself. IF you know that thn just keep it to yourself next time. There's is skill called being humble that you have yet to achieve. I couldnt care less.

I'm so glad i managed to pull myself out of bed to send audrey off this morning. I was the first to reach, second only to matthew ( BUT HE CHEATED ) . hurray. Its quite surreal to think that she's all the way in another continent now and tt i cannot hang out with her for the next four months, when i'm so used to seeing her almost every week. This sucks. I miss her. i truly miss her!

I heard hana bought 5 bags. asshole. u better buy something for me.
{ 4:30 AM }

I
am
really
fucked
up
{ 11:47 AM }

A nice well deserved/needed break from all that unhealthy fun. I woke up today beside my boyfriend. We had planned to go on a date but we ended up tumbling in bed and doing seperate things like facebooking and jamming ( by himself switching frm his guitar to his drumset). EVENTUALLY we/he ( to be more accurate) got his act together and headed to tempines for a movie ( HANCOCK). I didnt mean to leave so early, dont know why we did but we did and i was off to the wake before i knew it.

baby i'm guna miss yur hair.

anyways, interesting bits to come:

There is a reason why i dont party on fridays and its mainly because i do not like fridays. fridays and cheryl are like two ends of a pole. they have no affinity w each other. I think for the first time i left early, like 1 plus 2 plus early ( note tt i was already too sober to be aware of the time) sigh. its all my fault.

That aside, i'm feeling rather excited about my book purchases this evening. I SO CANNOT WAIT TO READ THM AND DELIGHT IN THE INFLUX OF KNOWLEDGE AS I UNRAVEL THE MYSTERY OF WORDS ON EACH PAGE
{ 10:24 AM }

HONESTLY, i dont know if it is an innate habit or simply a mischievous tendency but i seem to be constaly in search of an escape. I'd be running away from something, and thn find an escape, thn eventually run away from that escape in search of another escape. Like its fun or something. Like i like it. cheap thrill. drama drama. I find it rather distressing and most certaintly unnecessary. I secretly think imma drama queen, though i would not like to think of myself as one. Im not even sure if the reasons that promt me to do so are authentic or synthetic.

sigh. i'm holding back. i'm realleh holding back

I can see the effort tt willy is putting in. I love you honey. I miss you too. And i think u're secretly ssad and fucked up. hughugs.

My mother has always wanted to keep me in a glass bell jar. I hate it i hate it i hate it. The more u restrain me, the harder i kick and push and scream. I think i've been hanging out with her too much ( two days. two days is too much). Bitch doesnt even justify her. i hate her i hate her. You constantly put me down. u've never given me encouragement. and everything/whatever tt i have achieved , i did it all by myself , with the support of everyone but you. i hate you for that. Its a different thing altogether if u just kept your mouth shut, like the father ( who doesnt give a shit ). omg i have to stop. i feel like killing her already. i hate u. HATE DOESNT EVEN JUSTIFY WHAT I FEEL TOWARDS YOU

hais. so angsty.

wish you were here. wish i was there.
{ 9:59 AM }

and meet my bisexual boyfriend with his slug lipped date

{ 11:44 PM }

Today started off pretty bad. My facial appt was delayed by like 2 hours . Some people are just so selfish. They think the world revolves arnd them. I guess mommy and her friend assumed i had nothing on- but i did. I HAD A PICNIC APPT WITH MY BEE EFF EFFS. I could never fully relax during facials because the mother will always be chatting and gossiping inssasantly with the friend. I had some eye massage and eye treatment today. just what i needed. anyways, rushed back home after pampering my face to meet the girls in BOTANIC GARDENS. Everything worked out fine in the end because all of us were late, so instead of meeting at the allocated time of 4 plus, we ended up meeting at ..6. i thnk. Food was awesome. Was so full i could hadly talk. After today i think aud's more tarded thn me. like seriousleee. ( so relieved)

The three of us headed off to taka to find the boyfriend after having enuff mosquito bites . Went to KFC/macs for dinnah ( their dinner). matthew and karina joined us for a short while before heading off to watch zohan ( omg). audreee hana shane and tara left soon after. WHICH MEANS, i sorta had alone time with the boyfriend for like a while. hahahaha. what a rare occasion. with many hugs and kisses. blush blush. blush blush.

sigh . i'm sticking to my word. Its for the best.
{ 9:19 AM }

There are bullet holes where compassion used to be

Hanabanana Choo Wei Chen Ben Fong Nick Gary

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