the evil deeds list was at its zenith , and vanx decided to atone by helping an elderly man um.. lets just say, from one place to another. While i tailed behind, miserably perplexed by what i wasnt feeling . See, i have always been somewhat disconnected with old people, engendered by e principal fact tat i dont noe any of my grandparents. my maternal grandoodoos died before i learnt to sae "dada" and ..the paternal is jsut hopeless. my granda passed away last year; din shed no tears, not even croc tears. lols. nevermind. thats another story. Back to the point, i have no connection with the old! i'm sixteen and nt even close to commencing e inaugral helping-old-dood-across-e-street act. i'm hopeless. =f but. how much help can u give by merely supporting his hand?? lien is right. unless u piggyback him to his destination, i dont think one can offer much aid.

i impute this estrangement sheer ignorance. i've said it a million times and i'll say it again. The world ..is a filthy place. And if i woke up with this in mind, i'd be better off dead. period. i see ageing people as rusty , withering things. a painful reminder to stark reality which i try desperately try to expunge everyday. i hafta change. this doesnt auger well for my future. *frown*


HE'S P E R F O R M I N G. haha. geeefullyyyyyy forlorn. =( he'll be up there, looking all suede and stoic. . and i'll fall head over heels . back to wht i was running from. again. ARGH. i'm plauged by a litany of conflicting emotions. someday...i'll understand
{ 10:20 PM }

i...skipped school. cos....i didnt feel like going. felt like i needed to break away frm the cycle. dear1 insists i blog about ytd :

haha. our ad hoc chem mock was cancelled at the last min so the three of us found ourselves deeply plauged by the stark fact of having nth to do. it was uanimous ttat we didnt wna go hm and we were so over malls. soOo..we stalled in school till we thot of a better place to idle ( which eventually led to my place .again.) In the meantime, vanx and i braided lien's hair. *boasts* the front was damn good i tell u. dont talk about the back. LOL . i was concientous in braiding..up till midpoint where i began to slack and stop..um. picking hairs. *cringe*

fuck . cant load em up. nevermindd. i'll post it up e kls webbie..or ..something. maybe i'll post it in mine. cos there's cobwebs all over. hhehehahahaha

At home, lien found e mircophones and we plugged it in and sang horrendously to westlife. hahaha. so funnie. i felt like some pri 6 kids letting my imagination run wild. and all. it was fun ^-^

and i learnt smth new. all along i thot being impotent meant u're sperms were puny losers..and nt because u cudn't erect. =s

i'm so glad pms season is coming to a close. pity wen jun had to suffer teh last blow. but i really found that shhhhhhhh horribly rude .and screw lam for snapping and me instead of him. and also because, assembly was cancelled. and to think i was so fucking looking forward to it. HA HA.
{ 3:58 PM }

i went to bed last night with thots swirling in my head. richocheting back and forth, like some super elastic rubber ball. and last night . i dreamt about drums and army people . totally whack . *deep breath* here it goes :

yesterday was horrible. i woke up feeling empty and desolate. the whole afternoon was a blurr. i rmbed taking a nice long comfy nap. that night, he told me tat he gave up. i felt this deep pit. but i said nothing. Got a little butt kicking frm mark but . it wasnt enuff . and i read his msg his morning and and and. i dont know. there are like a hundred and million ( maybe thats a LITTLE too much ) things i had to sayy but i cudn't choke it out. so . out of fear , of obstinance. . i just let it pass. like it meant nothing . i crushed it and threw it away. like a used piece of paper.

its the whole priority thing. i entered this year with one simple goal , and am dead set to fullfill it. see. even the best plan fails . i'm so afriad of screwing up that i dare not make any leeway for compromise. hmm. this sounds so .. uknowwho . vanx is so guna screw me when i tell her this. >.<
{ 4:03 PM }

i'm having an identity crisis over here.. and i dont feel too good. i'm not an extremist. there's just 2 sides of me that are on the collides with each there. i'm like the... shifting thing. like..the thing the scale. hahaha.. my brain is stuffed with cotton balls . it sucks. i dont know who i am. i just wanna find some fucking model , that fits me. stay there. period. i dont wanna be some ..shifter. like. its how i deal with problems. when i'm hit by a TORRENT [LOL] of them, or something i cant deal with, i switch. Playing by the context that i'm a whole new person and that period had never existed . sad .


{ 8:40 PM }

Oral came and went so fast i cudn't rmb the conversation topics after i walked out of the room. thats bad. looking back , i'm able to weed out a diatribe of mistakes. But whts over is over, just leave it alone and dont regret it. his encouragement does wonders. i lost count of the no. of times i viewed thru it. just to have a glimpse of his name. hur hur. stupid chicken. i like.

i .. dragged muself back to klass with a ball and chain anchored to my feet. So i plodded thru teh math paper, with nothing on my mind cept a nice warm bathe and my comfy, comfy. bed. once home, i showered and blast Garbage till my ears hurt . whydouloveme whydoulove me whydouloveme you'redrivingmecrazyy

Its pms season once more.
I feel like taking some time off, hit the down, splurge. movie. but i know i wudn't let myself. hell, i even .. Nevermind. i began to reminisc and got a tad too forlorn. no. i must be discipline and adhere to the promise i made to myself the beginning of this year. i must strife for the best and push myself to my limits.

not that i grant myself no freedom. actually. i wna catch The Maid. or better yet, charlie and e choc factory. but everyone. well. most of em are all mugging. and my dear1's across e causeway. -sniff sniff-

so...wht the hell am i doing here? good question.
tata

Do you really think
I'm made of stone baby?
C'mon
That we only love things we own?
Baby you're wrong
{ 8:48 PM }

ah. one of the rare ocassions where i actually have the time to blog on a weekend. and ohmygod *gapes at the slice of half eaten cheesecake* it has mould on the back! LoL. i still have the cheek to eat the crust. haha. yummy~ just lil specks of mould. i threw the rancid part out of the window. i crossed my finger and hoped it wud make it out of the window w.o hitting the grills . ( aiming is not my forte)

the act during assembly was pain-stainkingly boring, and mercifully short. thank Gawwd. the jokes were typical and lacklustre, sprinkled with lil bits n pieces of singlish. which made sitting thru it all the more torturous. i turned back a few times, well not really. ploughed thru my brain for an excuse tuh. i wonder why. bah. ou yang went on her diatribe of raucous pretentious laughter, punctuated by shrills and squeeks and.. for a while , slapping of her theighs. didnt hear much response frm mei pheng. lols. i looked to my right and saw vanx horribly bored. ZzZ..

i tried sleeping the sweltering weather away. i think it worked. cos when i woke up, it was all gloomy and the skies beared the signs of ill weather. woooo..thunder thunder.

i feel so opressed in swiss. or have my mind dwelled tuh much on this? if i had the ability, i'd write a novel abt life in swiss, as had george orwell on animal farm abt communism. i deeply regret misplacing the damn book. cos i genuinly feel like reading it now. a stark contrast 4 yrs ago, when i thot the story was a drag. didnt noe what the fuck was going on. i didnt even noe the bloody thing was on comunism! which explains why i failed my lit miserably :)
{ 5:10 PM }

i fought with my mother over a stupid kueh this morning. It was the only one left in the fridge and i was really looking forward to having it for breadfast. but it was gone, right down to her stomach, devoured by HCL and what not before i cud say '' gee mother, u cud've asked '' lols. its silly i know. kinda nice to laugh back about it.
she responded by buying 9 of the similar kueh frm bangawan solo. greaT. subdue my crave with redundance. lolsss. funnies. i had one for supper. its so flimsy and stinky. like.. coloful mucus. -gri nn -

the rest of the sunday was spent on my humanity subjects and tuition. my productivity was hindered by the torpid afternoon. i tried sleeping or better yet reading but mr brain here took a raincheque ( i think) tuition was fun. i forgot the term. Center platter... or waht..its the force that attracts a moving thing to earth. or something. its not gravity. bah! i have the memory of a cow. gosh. the whole session hardly impinged anything unto my cerebrum. ah! centripetal force. thnx mark.

there. is not . oneday. that i dont think about giving up.

i would've told him that
he was the only thing
that i cud love
in this dying world

but the simple word
of love itself
already died and
went away..
{ 10:47 PM }

i'm tired. inundated with fatigue. YET, energized enough to launch a litanny of complaints. -gr inn- here's the thing. CLEMENT is still farting-- under the pretext of his sub consciousness. [ B.S]. totally completly bullshIT. please take ur stinky ass, along with the cloud of methane hovering ominously around it with u. and sit with ur fellow stinkee,ljy. u guys can have fart with impunity for all i care. lols. i've been trying my very best to refrain frm lashing out. fucking hell. it fucking stinks. U HAVE A PROBLEM AND ITS NOT CURED.
(just 'joking')

a loud belch that shook the ground and filled the air with an aroma such as one meets concurrent with the rediscovery of a cheeze that has long since gone to its reward

H.M.P.F
{ 12:11 AM }

suddenly, my dad wants me to inform him of my whereabouts when i'm nt at home. i'm thoroughly insulted. he never cared bout where i went and who im with, and i dont appreciate this sudden superflous act of concern at all. why dont they just fucking attach a tracking device on my leg? station a guard right outside the house. It irks me to know they dont trust me. my mother even questions my presence in school. i return frm sch everyday as dead as miss tay's sex drive only to receive her dubious gaze. She's the one who's constantly reminding me of the 'dire consequences' of losing to my cousin and yet she repremands with righteous indignation how im nt suppose to have mock exams one after another in school. They have a problem with change. S.S emphasis constantly about the need to be flexible and adapt to changes. hell, its the old fags they hafta educate.

lien looks nice in that oversized pullover. l0ls

i heard marilyn manson badly wanted the role of willy wonka in the movie. Johnny depp's char and MM look oddly alike. dont u think?? i think MM wud make a hella evil willy. so funnie. i kip imagining evil willy (m.m) tossing oh-so-religious ohms into the boiling couldron of chocolate. DIE DIE DIE!!
{ 3:06 PM }

man. in my whole 4 yrs in swiss, the sch's server was never this efficient. but its hard to pen my thots , considering all eyes are the screen. . or maybe i'm just paranoid . or insecure.

we had this brief Community singing session ytd morning , after morning assembly. thanks to that, i had the querulous chorus of this yr's nat song ( yes, i dont noe e title ) etched in my mind for the rest of the day. funnie, i used to familar myself with these songs . inadvertantly of course. but my long hiatus from the television has deterred me frm doing so. yeah. so there i stood, admist my grp of friends..muttering , acting like i knew e lyrics. hahahas. sillyysss. Thn fahrul got up and did a 'metal' version. hilarious. thn.. smth delightful happened. which left me wistful for e rest of the day.

um.. my kls mate's doing this horrendous rendition of Untitled and Shut up by simple plan. the awful voice that escapes frm wht could only be her mouth, contains such rhythm and melody that it makes me wanna stab her with a fork. >.< she's nt to be blamed tho. this morning, everything's a pain in the ass to me.

my dad left w.o me this morning. he remembered to send me tuh school, he just forget that i was had to be in the car.

oh! and mtv's showing Meet The Barkers! Travis is so hot. and he's mine. mhuahahahha
{ 8:25 PM }

There are bullet holes where compassion used to be

Hanabanana Choo Wei Chen Ben Fong Nick Gary

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