I'm not going to fight you anymore..i dont see the point. Its tiring and i get no where. Things used to be so much better back thn. you'd come around whenever i wanted you to. even when i didnt want you to. you were always there for me. Now its just ' i cant stay long ' , ' i need to be some place else ' and ' i got to go'. I wonder how it feels..to know that i'm hanging on the other line, barely borderline sane , and hang up. Or to look into my eyes which scream for u to stay but you just walk away. I used to pull you back and kick and scream for you to stay. I'm too tired now..and cease very much to care. I dont need you to feel good. Alternatives. alternatives are always good. whu cares if they're unethical or immoral or even abusive. As long as it takes the pain away and makes me feel better about myself thn i guess its fine.. just like old times . just me myself and I. ironic..consider that i am attatched. lawls.

you think u're doing alot for me. Think about the no. of times i went out with you during the holidays last year. thats the amount of times i fucking lied to my parents. whats that compared to a few of yours? Being you this year itself is a big enuff sacrifice to engulf all of urs. Think about it love.

I used to get so..jittery and insecure. Thn i realised there are other ways of allaying my fears. hurr. I dont really care if u need to go even when i'm dying on the other side of the phone. not really..i have my ways. yada yada..i can go on and on about alternatives. I can go on forever about alternatives. yes cher, think positive. hah.

I still love you. Its just different now...somehow.
{ 7:13 AM }

I stumbled upon this stack of readings on war lok gave us quite some time ago. I realised that almost all of the articles inside were useful . the first article grabbed my interest like ..hmm those cartoon moments where the guy gets pulled into the room by those huge candy-cane like sticks. you people must feel like slapping me right now. note that just because i read those articles ( prolly i'm the only one to daresay i read em) doesnt make me any smarter so if u're getting all kiasu-forget it.

geek and i..actually no. He decided that it was in my best interest that we spend less time tog ( sexy) We'll see how it goes.


I love words. ah. how language shapes the way we perceive the wld. haha why am i getting so Geepee.

I wish i could say with 100% surity that my redemption begins today. I wish i was brave enough to pursue my dreams. I wish i was brave/selfish/confident enough to sacrifice.
{ 9:14 AM }

SO. 18 is just around the corner. what do most girls do when they turn 18? They...party with the possibility of getting mad drunk. I dont really like parties and i hate the hangover. They..have wild kinky sex with their lucky boyfriend. No wait..thats when they turn sixteen. Tattoo? I think it takes more thinking and cash thn a simple resolution to du it. hah. The essence of all this is to do something ..wild..exiting..wrong on significant birthdays like this. I still wanna do something wild existing and wrong . sigh. I wanna hit a strip club.

That aside. I was sick for 5/7 days of the fucken hols. plus point: i got more than enuff rest i needed. boo boo : hw pile is huge ( but not as huge as the amount of shit thn went out my ass) i was peeing thru both holes. I think after going thru the awful traumatic experience of stomach flu i have become extremely cautious about the hygiene of the food i eat..

Anyhow i have yet to blog about rockefella. been itching to blog about that. I felt like a crasher. Dont ask me why. I just felt like i had totally no link to the school whatsoever. It felt good. It made me dance at the side with nick and willy. It made me ..ha ha ha ha ha ha -slaps myself- dear came home with me that night. i think that night was awesome. i cant remember. but it had to be.

We fought yesterday..and the day before. He's starting to lose his temper with me. I'm trying not to get mad at him .. so i end up crying. I tried to scratch the ugly away. He stopped me. I didnt understand. I wished he'd dig it out for me. baby gets horneee after a fight.

I wonder how many people actually read my blog.

I watched 300 with his friends yesterday..I spent the whole of ytd doing everything and anything i didnt want. The movie was awesome though. i'd watch it again.
{ 9:38 AM }

i'm extremely tired. I dare not hit the bed because i'm afraid i'll shit in my sleep like a *certain friend did. I'm exhausted. i need sleep.
{ 9:59 AM }

I wonder..if all the imperfection that surrounds me has been conjured up by me. Is my life better than what i think it is..probably . Like my family isnt that bad as i think they are.. thn what about the distance. what about the fights. what about not getting to see them for more than three minutes a day. what about the fucking scandals. hmm?( i cud go on forever about my family and my failures )

Paranoia and insecurity are my demons. Negativity is their god. They like to mess with my head. whispering sweet nothings that makes the room spin. its like a 4 party gangbang at night. it hurts so much it makes me cry. they make me feel so dirty i wanna dig the dirt out. They make me hate myself.

Dont dismiss my pessimism by asking me to change my perception or do something about it. of all people i thought you'd know the reasons are not so surface. i thought you knew. and i cant not let the past get to me cos the past gets to everyone and it shapes their bloody future. sigh.

I cant deal with my insecurity with like a snap of the finger. I've been killed by assumption one too many times to do it again.

yes...i like to run away from reality..so dream up a world for me. why bring me back?
{ 9:01 AM }

I dug my nails into my skin. trying desperately between sobs to dig the dirt out. i wanna be pretty for you. i wanna be pristine and pretty like a porcalain doll. maybe thn..you'd love me more

HULLO. i've been doing nothing but slacking this week. I"m constantly badgered by disgusting thoughts tht affect my mood. I'm the type that..wants to get these hindrances in life over and done with as fast as possible but life doesnt permit it. there's a time for every fucking thing they say. rarh. Life is sadistic. It bedevils the shit out of me, prolongs my agony. lets get this over and done with. No not yet rrr..

Promted by my insecurity, we got into a fight last night. Like seriously, the dearth of sanguinity is taking its toll on me. Self love seems so foreign. Not to be confused with self worth. I always thought i'd leave the loving to someone else. But as the past has proven , it doesnt work that way. I wont get anywhere if i dont have a modicum of appreciated for myself. I'm quite unhappy with this body i reside in. Complacency is a totally different case. sigh. where's the push. where's the steely determination to " be a better person " yes that overly cliched, hacknayed resolution.

i bumped into jing yi at wm at night. We were sitting alon the steps, sipping our bubble tea , with our grocery bags discarded behind us. hhahaha thats the life. i was telling my baby about the rationing. Like how a $1.20 drink was more satisfying than a $4 coffee at Coffee Bean. and like if we wanted to be more cheapo, we could have mocha at the coffee shop . that is , by mixing milo and coffee tgt. -laughs- he pleaded me not to. ha i thin i spoiled him. i think we spoil each other.
{ 7:32 AM }

Everyone should just fucking die Its not that anyone insulted me or anything. I'm just having one of those silly fuctup days where i'm faulting almost everything. Its hard for me to grapple with being some haughty spoilt bitch and an understanding matured fuck at the same time. Both traits conflict. As anyone in full possession of their faculties would have guessed, i end up quarrelling with myself most of the time. which is okay cos i think its better this way.

i have a problem with mr ho having a problem with his students having tutors. like what the fuck is wrong with that. If his senses leads him to conclude that having a math tutor reflects the effectiveness of his teaching thn his insult is derived from his own mind. Hence he shouldnt be so biased against students who get some extra help. its like mellie faulting bx for putting forth his own idea. its stupid. illogical and petty. get over it.

get out and take your own fucking lies along with you. you dont love me as much as you say you do. admit it.
{ 12:55 AM }

Yawn. I think...i'm addicted to flu pills. I've been taking them alot. Not excessively though. Okay maybe i have the jurisdiction to..since my nose is a little runny. But the very delight in taking them just to fall asleep warrants some attention. oh wells. I'm tired.

He stayed over . we played we slept we fought we made up. Our fights arent really fights cos there's..very little yelling . so i dont really know what to call it. you shouldnt take so much in. I only wanted you to scream. honey be my jester make me laugh. Be my knight, chase them away. chase her away.


Went towning in the evening.. spent alot. I think i shall get my red leather bag tmr.. Its really pretty .. I'll never wear black lipstick.

Met bona later in the night and hung out along the flight of stairs eating oranges bona gave us. I was quite suprised to see him taking oranges out from his black crumpler haha. so we ate. and amused ourselves by watching the seeds ricochet off eat step after we spat em out and talked bull. I had two boys send me home. (:

{ 6:57 AM }

its around ten minutes to ten. oh my. i just realised that i slept around seven hours. I record time, with him around. usually i'd hardly get past
3? i'm sick. my nose is runny, my throat is sore and YET he made me do STUFF. like bursting the magical box and causing sparkling dust to shimmer down . Hrumpf. and he never said sorry

I feel so awkward blogging with prying eyes beside me

He takes unglam pictures of me.

hmm welcome back waking up with you beside me
welcome back smelly kisses
welcome back feeling warm and comfy with you under the sheets
welcome back dancing with you in bed

sigh.
{ 5:47 PM }

There are bullet holes where compassion used to be

Hanabanana Choo Wei Chen Ben Fong Nick Gary

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