{ 1:12 AM }

i'm so glad we went for prom. and post prom party.(PPP). we had alot of fun. everyone looked gorgeous ESPECIALLY audrey. and our class sorta bonded more at ppp. i think. everyone just let loose. once again, discoveed a side of a classmate that we didnt know. laughs laughs laughs. was broke, so didnt drink much.

[ I AM SO HAPPY HA HA HA ]

i felt so lost and empty after everything ended. i dunno why. i need to see him soon. i neeed some TLC. some cuddling. kissing. (fucking).

my heels were killing me.

i thought i looked slutty.

i like my poofy hair

i didnt know he was mad at me.you mean you actually love the pestering calls? its worse for me you know. cos i get v. fucked up when you dont pick up. ha.

cheryl you're evil. you're just so fucking evil. dont think i dont knw what you're up to. you never change.
{ 9:14 PM }

I fought with my mother over privacy issues. she claims the right to intrude into my business whenever whereever. So this is the catch. for all the thing she buys me for everything she's done for me. this is the catch. i give her my privacy. there's a catch to everything i should have known. but this. this is much too valuable. but who says i cant cheat. I've been hiding things from you since young. god you dont even know what goes on at home when you were gone.

i dont respect you.

i dont treat you as my mother. not much

I fought with her. she hit me . i hit her. she pulled the fone away from me. i kicked her.

could u imagine?

if she used something to hit me and there was a knife beside me? by joe you cud bet ur ass that i would have killed her. this i am totally serious. i've thought of murdering my own mother before. what is there to lose? my life? doesnt mean much to me anyway. i have nothing to lose.
{ 9:04 AM }

hello dearest i miss you too

i'm so happy. i love you.

i miss happy hours. i suddenly felt like jumping onto someone today. If you had been here i wud've dragged you to the hadicapped toilet. i'll rape you. ha ha ha

i dunno. i very sad.
{ 7:00 AM }

..and this looks like a weddding photo

i love them s0 much. we have so much catching up to do. so much we dont know about each other. sigh. troubled.

{ 7:35 AM }

i've been gg out like crazy for the past two days or three. i dont know. i dont even noe when our exam ended. was it weds..or thurs? okies thurs haha. stayed over at hana's on thursday. ZOMG U SHUD TOTALLY WATCHED GOSSIP GIRL. I'M HOOKED ON IT.

i think i spent close to 400 this week alone. just two days of shopping. spent 200 plus ytd. dammit. i was carrying so many shopping bags i had to let den carry sm for me. haha. sad. now i have no money to buy fruits. i'm broke. literally. no money in my walle.t. not at all.

...and i have to go running later. i dont know if i can. been smking alot. shitty. and i dont feel like gg out anymore but i have to. cos i have activities planned almost everyday until the 31st. i wont be home much. my mom's not coming back tonight.den is staying over. i smell trouble. hahah
{ 10:29 PM }

{ 5:18 AM }

I love her. she's grown so much! I found a white kitten outside my house this afternoon. it was SO CUTE. slightly smaller thn meow2. she was so scared that her fur was all frizzy and pooofed up. the kitten's mom was hopeless. she's the hopeless cat in my neighbourhood. stupid cowardicee. i didnt pat the kitten. i would've like to though. i love kittens!!!!!

"random " insert : Oie. stop stalking my boyfriend la. he thinks u're very ugly. serious.

felt like smoking today. retraint cheryl. restraint.

you keep saying you love me alot but i always love you more. No. I need u more. i wish you needed me too. i feel so useless.

i want to feel life slip out of my hands. slowly. painlessly. I think only thn can u truly appreciate it. to me, death is like..switching off the television. what comes after? nothing. mute. nothingness. mmm

i gave hana a lap dance . hahahaha

{ 10:37 AM }

Happiness is relative. Satisfaction is relative as well. It doesnt have to be. But in a world like that, it just is. for most of us. So we;re sorta at a crossroad when it comes to this essential emotion (specific case applied.only for the hopeless fucks). Block everything else and feel contented with what we have ( which is quite hard and usually a sorry way of making ourselves feel better), measure measure measure and realise how much we suck and wallow in sorrow or in a desp attempt to grasp what everyone is in search for,tweak our vision into something that is more..pleasant. satisfying. thats when pride and ego comes in doesnt think. those assholes who're always so full of themselves. thinking they're ALWAYS right. ALWAYS better than others. the nicer ones dont say it out, but that snide remarks and "tacit" gestures spell it all out. how awful.
{ 7:48 AM }

I miss you. gosh its like we're all grown up and working. we hardly see each other and when i'm awake, you're asleep. vice versa. The quintessential. modern era couple. -spits-

WHY. the greatest barrier, ( and that applies to all my past relationships/"pass bys") have always been distance. why ah. is it just me. i'm so fucking envious of couples who live near each other. yes, i'd like to experience being denise and jonathan and see each other e v e r y d a y. i think i'd like each it better like that.

Today's tab tv ep was about eating disorders. gosh, the media always kicks up a HUGE fuss about bulemia and anorexia ( typing it out makes me sick alr). I think the whole effort to raise awareness about this sort of eating disorder is useless..and even harmful. really. Like you end of the ep telling ppl that ITS OKAY TO BE FAT. okay, maybe not that explicitly but you show how fat people are happy, being fat. yes, though that is true, i think the more impt point to note is the notion of being HEALTHY. not so much on size ( tho size is linked with health too). Instead of countering the whole size zero obsession with an " i'm happy just the way i am, look at me i'm fat but i'm still happy" slogan, it wud be more apt to solve the problem by promoting A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE. and balance and all that crap. because i look at tyra and her ' so what' -rollseyes- movement and get so revolted by her battlion of human tomatoes ( round, plump and juicy! haha) , who are prolly supporting her for the wrong reason. MAYBE. not entirely. i mean, yeah there are ppl who are born fat but there are also ppl, watching the show, getting the impression that it is okay to be fat, and so they throw their self discipline out the window.. and just binge! without throwing up because that has been emphasized again and again that its WRONG. but nobody ever opposed stongly to binging. its always the throwing up part. RARH.

shit. i just deviated so much!!!!! i wanted to blog about the sexual abuse part. the say sexual abuse and bulemia/bulimea/whatever have a link. that made me ponder. . plausible. whats with old men. really. they shud all just burn in hell. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU. HOW CAN YOU EVEN BRING YOURSELF TO VIOLATE A KID, WHO LETS YOU TOUCH HER ,ONLY BECAUSE SHE'S TOO AFRAID TO TELL YOU TO FUCK OFF. SHAME ON YOU, TAKING ADVANTAGE OF A KID LIKE THAT. she's just a kid. i was just a kid.

all these dirty old men. there are more of them than you think. does age erode one's conscience? bu zhi dao.
{ 7:17 AM }

{ 12:19 AM }

He said something that really stung. There's nothing much to say. At least, nothing much i want to say here. ouch.

And u're lucky i have the stupid exams to get over with , leaving me little or no time to brood over it.

.. i was hoping it wasnt true.

I'd like to believe you.

i hate you.

rrrrr

hais.
{ 10:19 PM }

{ 4:55 AM }

sorrie . we're all so fucked up
{ 8:35 AM }

i'm so tired. Time flies. it really does. i reached cb at around 1130. and before i knew it. it was 3. lunch and ciggie break with hana. sorry i dunno how to use cheap lighter. had no idea what time we came back but the next time i looked at my phone it was 7. went of shortly after for dinner. thn to macs . i mean. time really flies. how can it pass to fast???? i spent close to 10 hours( ok. not ENTIRELY)facing the books and it sure as hell doesnt feel like it. not that it wasnt productive. it was. Time flies.

moses talks alot. i think i can talk to him forever. like until my lips are parched and i'm dehydrated , until my cells are plasmolsed and my skin.. that S word. i dunno how to spell and i cant rmb.

Its weird. how life works. Almost one year since we got together and i am confronted with the same question that haunted me a year ago. Thats why i need to talk to you so bad. i need to remember why.

thirsty

i like animals. i like watching big cat diary and other stuff on animal planet. watch it vicariously. I like seeing the wildcats hunt an play witheach other. there's something about how they're like in the wild.(when they're not hunting). totally relaxed. totally free.

do animals worry? how come no one has ever touched on that before =s hmmm i wonder. if they get stressed about tmr's meal like how we get stressed over money and if we're able to pay those bills.

ouh ma gawd i nid to sleep. hafta wake up sopadupah early tmr.
{ 6:52 AM }

I went to study at coffee bean this afternoon. was so sick of home. i noticed tht e v e r y o n e there seemed to be swarming arnd this girl. who isnt even borderline pretty in my reckoning. It was so bewildering it distracted me. perhaps its my ego speaking but what the fuck is up with them? EVEN CHUBS was talking to her! CHUBS! weirdos.

He called at around seven. told me he fatasize about me and tt he wanted to fuck me. i squeeled because that was about the sweetest thing he'd said to me in months.

omigod if i had the chance i'd take a scapel and gorge their eyes out. i'd dig my nails into their sockets . stop looking at my boyfriend.

While i was studying alone i wished for company. i wished someone would just drop by and say hi. if only. sighh.

i feel so shitty now :(

"even perfect is flawed" pppppffffttt. cheap attempt to sound witty.

sigh


sigh


sigh
{ 6:41 AM }

{ 6:45 AM }

i can never stay home for more than a day. i'll die. maybe thats why i'm dying. been home for about 2 days. and i'm dying. i was supposed to go out with mom but she PSed me. that pissed me off. but i didnt wna quarrel with her so i just shut my mouth and sulked. i hate her. omfg i hate her. I HATE HER.

i feel like going out but there's no one to go out with. i dont feel like trying to ask anyone else because..they're prolly not free. i think i'm hungry. sigh. bye.

just because someone is attached doesnt make them not lonely.

do not feel introspective these few days. as in. i've thot of stuff but i cant be arsed to blog it down.
{ 12:47 AM }

sigh. i'm worried for him. its prolly nothing but i'm still worried. i hope it goes away. i never like him to fall sick or feel pain. i hate it. i'd rather it happen to me than to me. so cliche. but really. ..or...we could have it together! yes. that makes it better. i love him. i love him so much. i hate that i cannot spend as much time with him. i hate tt i cant be with him so often. i hate the distance. i hate that i cant wake up beside him every morning or hold his hands to sleep every night. he called me four times today. he loves me! he sounded so sad when i answered. he loves me! i woke up to his message this morning. he loves me! sigh. i miss you.

stupid song.

i hung out with nise after exam. had dinner with her family. swim and sauna. relaxing...? i dunno. i was so..flat. living life in motion.


{ 7:49 AM }

i still think i know nothing about you. come to think of it. i dont think i know much about you at all. i think. i dont know you.

knn..i only realise at 10pm at night that the ans to essay qns in tys are uploaded. chao chee bye
{ 6:16 AM }

type type type. backspace. type type type backspace. they were nothing but lies. but you cud still kill me right then and there and i'd die smiling.
*stares at the screen for 8 minutes before spressing the publish button
{ 6:04 AM }

{ 6:26 AM }

{ 8:31 AM }

i feel like talking to him. I think he's busy sucking his new friend's cock. hahhaha honey where the phack are youuu. sore throat. math tmr. i should continue with my revision. i think nise's house is a damn condusive place to study. i actually sat there for 6 hours. hahaha CAN U BELIEVE IT?? zomg. i shall put it on the top of my list of places to study. haha.

i quit friendster. and i cant go back on. oohps.
{ 7:07 AM }

There are bullet holes where compassion used to be

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