Tuesday, May 29, 2007
i had a panic attack i had a panic attack i had a panic attack.How memorable. I remember feeling so insensed and calm at the same time. I couldnt let it out because my parents were around. Then i just reemember breathing alot. and not being able to breathe. It was just a mild one because i wasnt really out of breath. hmmm. cool.
thank goodness i had an outlet. thank you.
I think i shud try to have fun.
my baby's too tired to anwer my calls.
meet my family.
oh lets talk about school. Luan almost killed my arm in sheer despiration to get her notes. ( i tried to reach for it thru the window see. evidently ; short girl = short arms. shortest girl among them = shortest arms) which i'm perfectly fine with BECAUSE IF NOT I WUD HAVE MARFAN'S SYNDROME.
lets talk about morning, peak hour, 30 min wait for buses, 30 fucking minutes..fucking jams.. fucking blur old men whu drive so carelessly in the morning. AT LEAST HAVE DECENCY TO PARK UR VEHICLE TO THE SIDE BEFORE U START ACCUSING AND WHATEVER NOT WITH THE OTHER DRIVER CAN?!?!?!
{ 7:14 AM }
Monday, May 28, 2007
EXCUSE ME???
That aside. the million dollar question : why has cheryl become more anti-social. I wanna have fun. i really really do. But i'm so disciplined ( most of the times) that my degree of freedom is limited to a few feet radius bounded by a mire mesh. I feel like a rabbit.
Sometimes being too focussed has the countervailing effect of falling short of one's goals. Not so much of going off tangent from ur goals but more of being so tensed up tht you cant think. whatever
I should go for the anberlin concert to destress. yes. i shall work my butt of this week. i kinda have no choice.
gosh. this humid weather is fucking my mood up. I hate it. i hate my old lappy even tho i love using it. I hate how i cant blog on that lappy i have no fucking idea why. so i'm forced to use the newer one..altho i favour the former more.
sigh. give me strength.
This isnt what you wanted from me
Or how you meant it to be.
{ 7:11 AM }
Saturday, May 26, 2007
If you're wondering what those little dots are- they're ants. Dont feel like adding words to the picture cos i think i'll just spoil it.
I feel so..messed up. I feel like running away or locking myself up or something. Anything to keep myself from hurting the ones i love. I cant stop and i dont think its fair. I'll run so far beyond u're reach, you cant touch me. I wont let you. It isnt fair.
sometimes i think people are better off without me. Not that I'm better off alone but i think i'm such a bother. a constant prick under his skin. sigh. Dont wanna apologize too much cos i noe how irritating it can get. I dont know what to do. I cant make up for all the fuctup times. But i want to. I want to ameliorate the situation. powerless.
I want to take away all his troubles , fears and dislikes. ( including me) . I dont want him to hurt or get upset about life and feel so jaded and vacous. I wanna be the vacuum machine that sucks all the ills from you. Be inundated with them. If i die that way thn perhaps i'll die with content.
{ 9:32 AM }
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
I'm contented and really happy with myself for being less patronizing. No more saying slly things just to fill the awkward silence. I love awkward silences. love them.
{ 7:46 AM }
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Relaspe]]
Its back again..and i wish i knew why. Maybe its nothing but my mind drifting to uncharted territory. Maybe its me applying the wrong remedy to things and inadvertently it has done nothing but made my mood worse.
My mood took a precipitious plunge during maths. I felt so low . beyond low. I didnt feel like doing anything. I suddenly wanted to stop living. suddenly felt tired ( once again) about it all. And i went to do something he wouldnt like but thank heavens i didnt in the end cos i couldnt.
I think i annoyed him much by calling him several times with nothing much to say . i asked if he was busy. He said he was busy tired and something else, so i abandoned seeking sanctuary from him altogether. Its ok.
I proceeded to try some math questions which gave a great boost to my already low self esteem ( yeah right). i felt so fucking stupid.
hmmm. played volleyball during PE. i'm quite happy that im still able to surf. though i've quite forgotton how to err play it and stuff. this is so sunshine but hurray i can finally play beach volleyball.
i miss the beach. honey take me there this friday. No. I'm afraid it'll be for all the wrong reasons.
Someone called me during my evening nap. tired and in the semi stupour i thought it was him so once i answered i began mumbling repeatedly ' wo hen lei. let me sleep longer byebye ' before i hung up i vaguely remembering a lady's voice saying hello hello. hmmm. the number seemed so unfamilar. but ah whatever.
{ 6:30 AM }
Monday, May 21, 2007
What a tiring day! I'm so proud of myself for pulling thru. YES. it was an ordeal. sayonara bio spa. Surprisingly, i reached home less tired than i thought i would be. what surprised me more was that i slept ( dreamless!) for an hour when all i wanted was a 30 min rest. I couldnt remember anything after 5 mins on the bed. I remembered feeling tired, feeling so0o grateful for my bed, thinking of him ..and japan's economy and when i opened my eyes the sky was dark .hurr. fucking hell
I feel so fat . Its the ice cream and fatty chicken .
god its not like i wanna think about you.
Feeling gloomy. where's he where's he where's he.
I had so much to blog about before i blogged.
dear's gg to watch anberlin with nick. I'm torn between having fun and doing waht i ought to be doing. the devil whispers its only a night. on the other hand to be exact, it'll take up more than 2 hrs for the show. And thn there's the issue of cash. Not that i'm out of it..but more becos i've been trying to save. But opportunities/obligation to spend perpetuates. Like...how i nid to blow bout 30 or 60 on a pair of new ear phones COS MY APPLE ONE BROKE APART and i just gave away 10 bucks for the upcoming class bbq.. - the 60 dollar anberlin ticket thn seems more expensive thn it is. coupled with the reluctance brought upon my dear guilty conscience, i feeel like melted mozerrella ( whatever) on pasta. The way it stretches when being scooped by a fork. Oh and one more point to note : i haven't been focusing ... ( evidence : now)
sigh
Panorama ( the documentary on scientology on the BBC) left this sickening aggrevating feeling in me that made me wanna wrangle that scientology leader. His robust use of emotive language betrayed his ulterior motive of trying to slant the view of his phoney 'religion' was so evident that the only emotion that he appealed to me was that of annoyance. some ppl are just so dumb
sometimes i know that i'm capable of writing like an essay long reviews on shits like that. but i'm just too lazy. kudos of my summary skills. -laughs- woophee. dear woke up
{ 6:35 AM }
Sunday, May 20, 2007
MY HEAD HURTS. pppfftt yeah like its the first time.
DID YOU KNOW that delifrance only accept credit cards like master card or whatever??? I was sorely put off and appalled when i found out this stark fact this evening when i couldnt pay for my meal using nets. i had no solid cash with me. defeated but propelled by hunger i made my way to draw a heartwrenching 50 bucks out . RARH. whats their point? its not like one would purchase a meal exceeding 20( i'm being generous) or more. why the hell would i wanna use my credit card ( if i had one) for a meagre 20 dollar meal????
And i feel so good lazing around just now. Like old times. how i miss my lazy languid sunday afternoons. taking a nice unecessary nap. rolling in bed in my sticky self. oooher.
i should be studying. hmm
I wish i could capture the racy moment/stall in time at night when the dim fluorescent light from outside accentuates the arch on his skinny slightly muscle-less back. ok. i should have replaced that with skrawny. i think. so fucking sexy i tell u. Oh well. my descriptive vocab sucks. so i think what you have in mind would lead you to question whats so fucking sexy abou that. nevermind.
{ 6:55 AM }
Friday, May 18, 2007
oooh babehhcan you please be like that more often.
tsk tsk.
Release your inhibitions. *chuckles*
I dont know why " spiderman is a must watch" according to most critics . Like hana, i found the movie draggy. In my opinion, its not worth the money. If not for the fact tt we had nothing else to do ( other than my homework) , i wud have waited for the show on the small screen.
{ 9:01 AM }
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
I feel..sianned.
My mother broke up with her scandal and she's venting her anger on me. Screamed at me in the morning. screamed at me in the evening . Her points were so groundless and provoked me to argue with her more. If it wasnt for my exams or the possibility of my dad crashing his car or my empty stomach i would have went all the way. I couldnt stand how she yelled at my dad for nothing so i defended him. she thn snapped at me and even threatened to slap me. hello. i'm 18. and i swear if she ever did i would hit her.
later in the evening, she hurled cusses at me just cos i dropped a piece of meat. her attitude posture and tone were redolent of a drunkard abusive mother you read in novels. fucking hell. but i was hungry so i let her have her say. seated in front of the tele i had the thought of murdering her. Gee. like seriously. okay maybe not to the point of taking her life away but i wanted like to poison her or something. i sorta repremanded myself soon after.
Dont like school. Dont like class.
Dont like certain people. Lost respect for them.
{ 6:34 AM }
Sunday, May 13, 2007
HE SAID THE SWEETEST THING TO ME!!!!
(ignores the possibility of it being cheesy or corny)
I WANNA HAVE YOUR BABY. LIKE SERIOUS LIKE CRAZY
LETS ELOPE GET MARRIED AND MAKE BABIES
we've got an albino! hurhur
{ 5:59 AM }
Thursday, May 10, 2007
To the sadistic frog who loves to pick on meow meow so much...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY. ( altho this entry may be a few days late but i was too weak shitting my arse off to do anything. yes. literally)
And to my ' i'm a cyborg but its okay' boyfriend . thanks for dropping by and doing absolutely nothing but laugh at ugly people and reel in disgust at your unbelievable past. (:
been sleeping too much. too stoned to feel stressed. gah. can all the sec sch kids like fuck off from the library and the cafes pls.
{ 7:41 AM }
Monday, May 07, 2007
I was browsing deviantart and looking through the artistic nude and shit and i thought : my my the definition of art has become so diluted and almost anything consitutes to it. I frowned and mulled over how a photo of a guy bare-ass naken climbing up the steps on his 4 limbs or a photo of a guy's hairy unshaven pubic hair fit into...ART. i'm not artsy fartsy. maybe thats why i dont understand. but hmm..arts no more about the pretty and the fancy nowadays. At present, its all in your face ugly and controversial and shocking. ooh ooh
i have durian breath -burp-
The sun was shinking so bright today i could almost feel my skin sizzle under the heat.
and i see you lying next to me
with words i thought i never speak
awake
and
unafraid
blahh
I've been having recurring dreams about this rather dystopian world for the past 2 nights. I wonder why nightmares or bad dreams always have this 'dark' effect. and take place at night most of the time? I remember dreams quite vividly. as if it was yesterday. qutie annoyed actually. because i wake up feeling tired , knowing that i'm guna feel more tired later. grumpy moody and easily irritated in the morning. RARH.
dear says i dont let him into my head. Actually sometimes i wish he could read my mind cos i'm either too afraid or embarassed to tell him verbally.
{ 6:54 AM }
Sunday, May 06, 2007
no one else comes close
{ 12:59 AM }
Saturday, May 05, 2007
remember that time, when you made me wait for an hour or so because u guys were jamming? while i was at some misarable kfc at kovan waiting for u??? When i called u at the time we were supposed to meet, u were still with them. you havent left that godamm place. AM I SUPPOSE TO BE TOLERANT AND UNDERSTAND? YES DEAR ITS OKAY???? sorry but i have cracked my back trying to bend towards whatever logic that surmise came from, yet in vain. thn today. we were supposed to meet at 1230. when i called u at 12 u told me they wanted to jam till 1230 thn u paused. DID U EXPECT ME TO SAY IT WAS OKAY???. YES DEAR ITS ALRIGHT I CAN WAIT FOR YOU. If u dont already know i am at polarized ends with being the perfect girlfriend.
Bring this up to you and u'll get all frustrated ." what am i to do? " honey there's something called excusing yourself. and one may take that as an act of irresponsibility but the word "exception " does not exist in the dictionary for nothing. And even if you dismiss that point, whats leaving 30 mins earlier compared to SOME other(s) who dont give a fuck about you? ( if he didnt he/they would bother learning the songs u told em to) Admittedly they're your friends but i think relations are two way - receprocrity. From the way i look at it ( from what you tell me), things seem to be pretty much one way. whats worse is that you come to me after each session bearing anything but contempt.; a modicum of that on better days. translate : you're alr having a bad time there and yet you'd stay?
AND ALL THIS is aside the core of my rage -lateness being my pet peeve. " you never change. i'm doing the best i can" . How'd you know how much i tried to understand or endure? so much so that i'm almost okay with it. how shameful.
..and you told me last night that u'd be on time.
...and i believed you.
I was sad on the way home i wasnt angry. I looked up into the darkness for stars. Dismal, that my wish that you could walk out on them like how you walk out on me remains dormant.
Cant believe that you couldnt tell i wanted you to stay. I couldnt let you kiss me cos your presence is heart wrenching. literally. i felt it tighten . not that i didnt want to. i really did. Like how i wanted to snog the shit out of you on the ferrris wheel but got so fucken turned off when you were reluctant just cos a family was opposite us. who cares dear. who cares? i rolled my eyes . you care about stuff..alot. but i think you care about things that dont need caring ( euphimism of dont deserve) sometimesalotoftimes.
Dont be the hero that showers love to everyone. It takes the special out of you and me. really.
Felt so vulnerable when you noticed my heart racing. You shouldnt and dont need to know. at least to me.
hard to forget{ 9:11 AM }
Thursday, May 03, 2007
I feel....lost . I...was about to type a whole paragraph of what i'm feeling but retracted from doing so after reasoning that it wud be
oh-so redundant. and quite pointless. Not that i'm never gonna change but more like i'm still afraid to.
I get irritated with people after i've matched a pattern in their way of speech or character. One of my weird idiosyncrasies.. a vice if you will. If only i can apply this to math . identifying trends out of the string of alien sigmas and p s n x as whatever unknowns in the question. Or if only i could sieve out the info from questions. simple sentences in english from math questions that i cant seem to comprehend. puzzles me .
Somehow the same thoughts run thru my head as i make my way home along the same route recently. Its like i've crossed some invisible threshold that triggers the memory. I have no idea why, though i'm quite sure that it isnt wistfullness that sparked it off...
i'm fucking irritated and vexed. maybe because of that. sigh~ As if any of you know what i'm talking about.
{ 6:05 AM }
I feel....lost . I...was about to type a whole paragraph of what i'm feeling but retracted from doing so after reasoning that it wud be
oh-so redundant. and quite pointless. Not that i'm never gonna change but more like i'm still afraid to.
I get irritated with people after i've matched a pattern in their way of speech or character. One of my weird idiosyncrasies.. a vice if you will. If only i can apply this to math . identifying trends out of the string of alien sigmas and p s n x as whatever unknowns in the question. Or if only i could sieve out the info from questions. simple sentences in english from math questions that i cant seem to comprehend. puzzles me .
Somehow the same thoughts run thru my head as i walk home recently. Its like i've crossed some invisible threshold that triggers the memory. I have no idea why, though i'm quite sure that it isnt wistfullness that sparked it off...
i'm fucking irritated and vexed. maybe because of that. sigh~ As if any of you know what i'm talking about.
{ 6:05 AM }
I feel....lost . I...was about to type a whole paragraph of what i'm feeling but retracted from doing so after reasoning that it wud be
oh-so redundant. and quite pointless. Not that i'm never gonna change but more like i'm still afraid to.
I get irritated with people after i've matched a pattern in their way of speech or character. One of my weird idiosyncrasies.. a vice if you will. If only i can apply this to math . identifying trends out of the string of alien sigmas and p s n x as whatever unknowns in the question. Or if only i could sieve out the info from questions. simple sentences in english from math questions that i cant seem to comprehend. puzzles me .
Somehow the same thoughts run thru my head as i walk home recently. Its like i've crossed some invisible threshold that triggers the memory. I have no idea why, though i'm quite sure that it isnt wistfullness that sparked it off...
i'm fucking irritated and vexed. maybe because of that. sigh~ As if any of you know what i'm talking about.
{ 6:05 AM }
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
I gave you the world
you had me in the palm of your hands
I heard that she did to you
what you did to me
now u spend ur nights alone
wishing there was somebody to cure ur lonley nights
Boy y o u g o t w hat y o ud e ser ve mmff{ 7:18 AM }
