Went velvet last night to watch dunnowhatshisname spin. some jap guy. i'm too lazy to look for his name and honestly i cant be bothered , even though i fucking love his music. It was fucking insane. I was sober. ( damn proud of that) and despite being in full possession of all my faculties, i went insane. I cant imagine what'd happen if i were high but i went fucking insane. FUCKING insane.

and i finally sed hi to jeremy. laughs. was afraid he didnt recognise me all this while. but he did. whew. and i bumped into jonas and SC . the last time i saw jonas was like 3 years ago. and the first thing he sed when he saw me was " i'm fucked up la srsly" . lol. met azfar there as well.

okay. tired. blog properly later.
{ 2:17 AM }

{ 2:39 AM }

Would it kill you to do something for me. just for me. for once.

-

went for drinks with geran, ben, wj and daniel at demps. tt fucker is insane. In his attempt to make sure that he got a good deal out of the free flow shit, he went on this insane drinking spree. 2 dry whiskies, 1 lychee martini, 2 white russians , one screw driver, one bottle of beer and ic ant rmb what else. krazy and absolutely hilarious when he found out he only had 20 mins left, he downed the martini and ordered somemore. haha. hilarious.

-

Momo called me today. oh god i dont htink i can ever face him again!

-

how should i spend my saturday. zouk or home. i cant decide.

-

**removed** sorry.
{ 11:59 AM }

last night was insane. insane insane insane. I've never seen kari this torn. Didnt even think she had anything to be sad about. Kept telling her to compare herself to me and feel better. Was slightly flattered when she pushed everyone away telling them tt i was the only one tt she wanted. blush blush. Dont know if she drank somemore but i feeel bad for momo. caught between two drunk bitches. One crying like a fucking baby, the other well idk what kari was doing.

bumped into herman. HAHA!

stupid fucking period. fucking cramps.

knocked out in the cab. Momo was nice enuff to send me back. came home, stumbled into the toilet. took my contacts out. stripped and knocked out.. until my fucking cramps woke me up.

AND MOMO IF U'RE READING THIS. YOU NEVER DO THAT AGAIN. NEVER.EVER.EVER. I CANT.
{ 3:44 PM }

i'm glad i'm out of this and everything is over. srsly getting too draggy. this may sound a little unbelievable but i love the silence. the freedom. and my flat lil tum tum. Tonight is the last straw. I'm out.

was about to hit the sack EARLY when josh called. think he's coming over. aiyoo

weds is ladies night and its my prescence at the club is automated. but thn. i dont feel like. but momo wants me there

and then u'd think thursday would be free. but geran wants to celebrate the end of his CTs. HAHA.

well the weekend is free. i must get work done. starting to panic.
{ 9:42 AM }

i laughed so hard today i almost died. David's party was fucking funnie. i think hikoto's bimboness is so..omnipotent that i am..amazed by it. not that its a bad thing. i'm not dissing her in anyway. its nice to be oblivious. makes things easier.

i love the cj uniform. feels good to wear it. almost forget how to do my drawstring as i put it on at dav's place. miss those jc days.

okay. bed. music. sleep. (:

nevermind what haters say
ignore them till they fade away
{ 12:17 PM }

Tonight i am alone with a broken hart. My mother breaks my heart without knowing it. The way she behaves, the things she says.. just looking at her sometimes breaks my heart. Always fucking blaming me for anything. ANY FUCKING THING. The first thing she sed " its all your fault" when i was clearly not responsible. thn she goes on to curse me and sigh. whatever. and i just stand there. I admit to yelling back once or twice but i'm so sick of it and numbed by her words tt i just stand there. horrified and hurt by it all. and i cant let her see me cry cos she'll just fuck me up for it.

and i've got shit to do tmr and i shud be sleeping. but oh i'm so afraid of sleeping. afraid. so afraid.

i guess i'm human afterall. Mother u're one of the few tt can make me feel.
{ 11:04 AM }

I had a stupid dream. like a seriously stupid dream . too stupid to narrate. anyways i woke up and lived my life in a daze. just the way roy described. Then i went from a daze to feeling extremely crestfallen because i though i had lost my wallet. losing my wallet feels worse than losing anything else. PLUS it was a new wallet. with all my cards inside. FUCK. Then willy called and being the fucking cheebye nice person tt i am i made my fucked up self all the way to fucking town just to fucking let him use my mother fucking laptop for less than five fucking minutes. but its all good. and matt if u're reading this, though i doubt u wud i'm sorry for finishing ur gudam garang. just. so . guud. laughs. my day only got better towards the end. my left eye twitched. moments after jb called and told me tt my wallet was in his car. oh my fucking god i was so god damn relieved. like srsly, the jump frm feeling like fuck to feeling beawesome was so damn huge. plus. plus. mhuahahaha.

but. i got stabbed. enuff enuff i screamed. in my head.

and i've been getting much reactions to the "abrasion" on my left theigh. willy saw it and he immediately grabbed my arms to look for cuts on my wrists, ON BOTH WRISTS. shane saw it and he gave me that look. matt just brushed it off saying im crazy. and hanny, well hanny noes me so she sed the same thing as matt, but with less concern. ^^ goodness people, for the final time. i am not fucking suicidal. i just got..carried away. the blade so nice and sharp, was tracing it on my theigh , slowly. that prickly feeling. thn that prickly feeling got boring, so i pressed it against my skin a little harder. nice. thn i dragged it down. nice. thn i entered into a frenzy. and before i knew it. oohps. haha.

Okay. i know what to do already.
{ 8:54 AM }

not sober post

okay. tired. shivering. ate alot of tuna. woke up at freaken 11 today. haircut. bucked at cathay. thn bucked at hv. thn bucked at forum there. thn kari called. party. FER SURE. rushed to get some short dress. busted alot of money. ALOT. cos i saw a leather jacket and sex heels. alot . of. money. but. dont. care. roy. loves. stoned. redbull. mikhail. illegal shit. triston. fucking funnie. soccer. flames. stumbled out of phu. LJB. nice enuff to send me home. swerving. almost flew out. kept laughing. gudam garang. home. shivering. KARI. more goner than me. but still look so fucken glam. maggie mee and tuna. dead.

oh. and. . laughs. srsly how stupid can you get. i'm so disappointed.
{ 1:16 PM }

AIYAH. sian lah.
{ 6:17 AM }

I swam thirty laps this evening. feel very refreshed. I like what a work out does to my body. The faux sense of detox makes me happier and makes me more receptive to delectable sin.

we went to the playground again. fucking twenty year olds running on that spin spin thing like a fucking hamster . childish but thoroughly enjoyable! matt spun me so hard i almost flew off ( again) another spin spin thing. the world was spinning for abit.

my feet feel so smooth from all that exfoliation.
{ 9:33 AM }

{ 7:12 PM }

It's the same sound
The same sting
The same collapse
Of everything
It's the same slice
Same blade
The same lie
Same ole vein

My weight, my face
My height, my race
I'm a mistake
My weight, my face
My height, my race
I'm such a disgrace

It's the same down
The same dream
It's the same sabotage
Cause I'm the enemy
It's the same night
The same day
It's the same parasites
Feeding on the betrayed
{ 7:04 PM }

perfect.
{ 9:44 PM }

I feel uncomfortably morose. I could run. I could always find somewhere to run to. somewhere to hide. But i think I'll just take it all it and soak it up. It doesn't feel good. Im this close to seeking refuge, from anyone, someone, but i think i have to weather this storm alone.



Do you really think that i meant every world that i said, when we're lying together, head to head?
{ 5:50 AM }

I get morbid dreams on a frequent basis. Last night, i dreamt that i was being chased ( oh no, they're back) but pirate-ish people. I ran and i ran and somehow i had badly infected hands. i dont know why but i had a million piercings on my hand and they wre all twisted, inundated with pus and shit. Perhaps the most intersting part of my dream was that i was pregnant. okay i wasnt pregnant but i gave birth so i had to be pregnany before. My babies were so badly mutated. I dont think they even qualify as babies. more like tiny lil foetus. I had four if i'm not wrong. But one died and i cried like shit. I could feel the pain. It was really saddening.

didnt have my redbull this morning. am falling asleep and fuck i didnt bring my ez link.

meeting Matt and Audrey tmr. cant wait!

Been easily agitated of late. I think i'm pms-ing.
{ 7:19 PM }

Lost and empty.

I cant feel. I cant feel anything at all. Only the stinging aching pain in my chest; when i breathe, when i sigh, when i think.
{ 8:56 AM }

Am feeling rather grumpy. got hauled out of bed this morning. Like i was seriously in the worse of moods. Thinking back on it now, its kinda stupid. But i didnt want to get up. i didnt i didnt i didnt. rawwr. even though i had to.
{ 6:23 PM }

quick update before i leave for lecture.

I love philo tutorials. well okay it ought to be euro/pol sci tut but we're studying Socrates so i think its pretty much a philo tutorial to me. I find it immensely gratifying and enlightening and maybe even therapeutical. It did breathe life into my boring mundane school life

we were talking about soc's view of the inner being and inner peace and shit and he asked if anyone of us has have been in a situation where someone does something that should cause us to feel wholly and eternally happy but the desired effect falls short. While on the other hand, there are times when we feel interally complete/happy when something seemingly insignificant happens.This then, he contends proves the existence of an inner..being. A dichotomy betwen the external and the internal

whether there is or nt is not of much concern but oh my god what he sed cud not have been more applicable more relevant!

Oh things seem to really be gg well ( for this wk). Was werking on my essay. I felt dismal that i was only 1/2 done. considering tt i was on page 3 and i have to write a 6 page essay. So i englarged the font ( to the required size) and double spaced it ( as required) and thn WHOA. I HIT PAGE 6. WAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA yeah babeh. i managed to write 6 pages worth on why Socrates insists that he has never been anyone's teacher TWICE in Apology.

CAN FINALLY GET STARTED ON JAP STUDIES PROJ PROPOSAL. I AM CAPITALIzING THIS BECAUSE I'M JUST SO HAPPY.

TODAY'S A GOOD DAY BITCHES.
{ 11:44 PM }

Mmm.. weds.. was a good day. Aside from the fact tt i was motha fucken tired, ytd..was a good day..
Had an impromtu meeting with nise because i called for an emergency bra shopping . Even though i was FUCKEN tired, we walked frm far east to hereen and back. I was so tired i fell asleep resting on the counter while nise paid for the watch. trudged back to pacific plaza to have myself groomed. thn had sm yummy chicken curry rice before cabbing home. so so so tired. thank god adri reached like a few minutes after i got home because if not i wud have been sleeping by the time he arrived. hopped into the shower and hopped out. fast game. konked ou for 4 hrs. woke up to smoke. went back to bed, thinking tt i'd sleep for another hour but ended up sleeping 4 more. wud have continued sleeping but i had a stupid presentation to prepare for. didnt finish my essay. have to finish by tmr.

tmr.

LOL

nise's leaving on saturdayy. tear! WHY MUST YOU LEAVE ON VALENTINES DAY. GOODNESS.
{ 6:18 PM }

Was I just your surrogate
Was I your revenge

Well I

Have no regrets
No regrets

Once was I
Made of glass
Long ago
Before I cracked
You made me do this

I just can't forget
The blood, the stitches
The bite marks, the kisses
The glass memories
Reflecting back
A suffocating black

Just smile and pretend
It never mattered anyway

I'm starving for affection
Your heart is made of ash
You were just a phase to me
A sacrificial lamb
Rejection, revenge
Deception, damaged
I might be going down in flames
But you'll burn with me

I'll help you drown
While your world is burning down

-

Have not been getting much sleep this week. Been sleeping llike less than 3 fucking hours every night. my body clock is fucked and yet im still able to pull through school. This has got to stop! And i cant believe i let Geran talked me into gg for the party. goodness.

i miss Hanny and drey drey alot. i miss sleeping too.

i dont
{ 5:20 PM }

I enjoy talking to you. even though we've not got much to say.

Felt like the happiest girl on earth jumping on that trampoline thing. almost flew out of it.
{ 9:18 AM }

Isolation.is.key.

I feel like i'm living in a movie. Everybody's gossiping about each other behind their backs. Everybody's ratting out on each other. Everybody's lying. Everybody's cheating. Everybody's full of shit. Everybody's fucking each other. <- now THAT is hilarious. srsly. lololol.
{ 5:25 PM }

i hope you die. i seriously hope u die. Had to admit, didnt see that coming. Your hyprocrisy disgusts me. changing camps.
{ 6:19 AM }

So much for studying. I had intended to spend friday ALONE at home, with nobody else but my books and myself. But Audrey called and for superficial reasons, i had to get out of the house. Hung out around town for a while ( like for an hour and a half) before heading back home. The fact that i was home at around midnight made me feel a sense of accomplishment. And after doing a quick estimate of the number of hours i had for work, it even motivated me a little. BUT THEN MATTHEW/ADRI called. idk why but i HAD to go. laughs. i had to walk over to ben's palce to pass him his notes anyway. ( excuses)

was walking over to adri's car when we got screened. Honestly, the three of us look like minors.. laughs. Stupid cops. hate cops. Mr policeman wasnt very friendly. He swaggered to us, tilted his chin, looked at adri and asked " so boy, how old are you" stupid son of a bitch. But our Ids shoved his attitude right back up his arse.

went to labrador park to have some national education ( oh the nat athem just came on air) tour from matthew. insane. he knows everything. everything. These kids. look like bums but fucking deep.

spent the rest of the night at some coffee shop near matt's hse. As shitty as the venue sounds, coffee shop lepaking session are arguably the most enjoyable. You may scoff as how cheena it all sounds but there's something about the venue that makes it so relaxing and idk, puts me in a very up mood. i laughed myself to tears. been a while since that happened. lololol. FOS.

yay found a new neighbour.
{ 1:49 PM }

A tragedy
starcrossed
unrequited love
Dont. stay away.
I cant.
I cant
Dont go
Come back
I need you
Please
PLEASE
i love you
i love you too
BUT..

oh god. almost made me shed a tear.
{ 1:18 AM }

Cause I am vermin
I'm the anti-christ
Just another lonely chapter
In the book of lies

Descending, unending
And still I'm pretending
I've regressed to become one of them
They gave me this affliction I yeild to my addiction
I can't repress myself

Don't they know I'm a predator?
Don't they know they are the prey?
Don't they know I'm a predator?
Don't they know I'm insane?

Follow this simple rule
Do it to them before they do it to you
{ 11:57 PM }

Quick update! been dying to blog .

I'm damn prooud at myself for being able to wake up for class after prodigy. I walked into class with just my headphones, wallet and phone. sat there. stoned and before i knew it, it was time to call it a day. went to central forum to talk to hana for abit before flying back to alex's place to SLEEP. could have, would have slept longer but certain ppl who wanted to meet EARLY, ended up reaching the latest. -shrug- didnt manage to book the flights in the end anyhow. that aside. stoned in town for abit before heading home. Didnt feel like staying out. i was tired. I wanted to be alone. i wanted to go home. reached home, though i could finally get a full 9 hr sleep before sch until i saw 8 missed calls from matt. text him back, fearing tt it might be some emergency. only to find out tt he was on his way to my blk to meet arthur for drinnks. -.-ll. so i obliged. anticipating just a few cans of beers, but my neighbour brot XO. ISANE.

It was so fun . i had to much fun. missed matt like fucking shit and it was hilarious. yes we ought to lepak under the block more often. laughs!!

so instead of 9 hrs of sleep. had like 2 hrs instead. tired. shall go sleep now. not attending ssa lect. silly. bye. till thn.
{ 8:12 PM }

{ 6:21 PM }

omg best friend, i love you and have been missing you like fucking shit.
{ 1:31 AM }

you dont know how much your words cut. you say things. as if you care. will be exceedingly touched if you cared. but not enuff to galvanize me into doing anything. how much will your concern go. only as far as your voice can reach.

So i lash out and glower in hurt/anger. stubborn like that . I laspe. the pins and the needles and the thorns and the vines. wrapped comfortably. smiling laughing bleeding.

i will get what i want. will make sure of that. maybe to spite you. maybe just to spite you. and myself. to punish myself because i am ugly like that. i am dirt. just like the world. just like everyone else deep down inside.

i used to thnk im better than that. Dont know where that thought went. but make the best of what you have ..right?

i really miss you hair in my face.
the way your innocence tastes
{ 12:29 AM }

Dont like what you did. What the fuck were u thinking. Think you're forgetting who's who here.
{ 4:43 PM }

{ 5:52 AM }

There are bullet holes where compassion used to be

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