I have just been reminded that PI and GPP are due on Friday. awesome. I have not done anything, let alone start thinking of new ideas for my PI. i'm in dip shit and i'm guna die . die die die die.

" you should not listen to metal

" i know"

" Its bad for you"

" i know"

-shrug-

oh. i need to give away some of my CDs. the pile of them have always been an eye sore, but in light of my abominal moods , they've begun to irk me a whole lot more. so i need to give them away. before i do something impeteous like throw them away or something.

Guy clothes are comfy.
{ 2:26 AM }

A bunch of us were sitting around the round table, listening to Hana go on her feminist rampage when jason noted the odd lack of participation on my part. I found that rather amusing. Insult or compliment? i chose the latter. lols. I dont think guys 'suck' because there's no guy to make me think they suck. whatever. hana reminded me of the 'good' ol days, when i was oh so blinded, head over heels, eyes under stamp .. etc. i used to be like that. I'm glad i dont anymore.

i like this life ; stone . Not entirely cold . But just.. u noe just me. lifeless, boring and routine. at least i dont have to deal with the rollercoaster of emotions, the split second euphoria and the ever changing moodswings that pivot around one single dick. I'm not a feminist, I have not changed my sexuality. I had enuff of unpleasant surprises. i just want some constant. and lately, it has been a shitty constant. but thats okay.

I'm so tired. I feel so fucking vexed . what the fuck is wrong with me





thats it. i cant take it anymore.
{ 6:50 AM }

There are weird people in school. Many many weird people around. Its amusing. but with my lil black cloud raining over me todae, i find them fucktarded. Stop prancing around and attracting attention. Stop acting like something u're not....dork. Dont make me slap you. no wait. make me. i want to. :D nothing pleases me more .

I hit a record high of the no. of people i 'diao'-ed . Hmm note to self : on days like this, do not make eye contact with anyone. Dont wanna ruin their mood too. ouh my gourd, i cudnt believe i did it tuh him. -laughs-

Fencing was....fun. but too slack for my liking. but it was fun. fun fun . i hope i get in.

I hate PW. it ruined my day . i'm running out of ideas. lok keeps rejecting em. i dont know whats her problem. she doesnt tell me what's mine. all she does is critique. idiot. some suggestions would be helpful u noe. i'm repulsed by her lack of empathy. i witness something in class and was so put off.

sigh. Not looking forward to tmr.
{ 6:04 AM }

I... still think she's ugly. fugly. Bad memories everywhere -screams and runs around in a mad rage- perhaps..buangkok would be a good place to start afresh. what bullshit.

' mugging ' for the bio test tmr brings back poignant memories of sec sch. when i used to really mugged. haha now? i barely scratch the surface of the topic. -shrug- i'm heading for a fail grade anyhoo. so why waste time trying to get info in my head right?

Flipeed thru the yearbook and felt..like.. i dont know. amused. i think

I'm becoming a bum denise, i'm out to steal ur job. mhuahahah
{ 6:27 AM }

TGIF. yesss. i got thru this week. i feel a wonderful sense of accomplishment. This wk has been hectic. It drained the life out of me. i spent every night on the computer, either doing my historee essay, PI or GPP. on top of that, there's still the shitty hw and stuff. whatever yo. i crashed . I was cranky ytd, i was depressed todae. I guess i mulled too much on why ev.one went to collect their certs except me. hmm. cheryl. who's cheryl right?

I'm so frustrated with PW. i feel like I'm doing more than the others. i dont like that. Jeremy pisses me off with his superflous comments and incessant paraphrases. To compound things, he suffers from halistosis ( LOL) .

I was supposed to meet Vanx todae but she cancelled last night. i rmb her saying something bout celebrating my bdae with me no matter what. -shrug- i cant sae i'm disappointed cos i saw it coming . I cant sae i'm angry cos its not her fault.

I was so disillusioned and stressed out that i wasnt thinking straight. i almost threw teh year book away. Thankfully sheila was there to remind me how i might regret this impeteous decision 10 yrs down e road. muacks. :p

Its just.. that things just keep going wrong. AND IT IRKS ME.





{ 6:56 AM }

I'm so fkin tired. Good news . i'm done with my hist essay! wait. i should have replaced that with HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME. ah well.

Muakies to my class and everyone that remembered especially to Denise, luan, bowl strength and jenna for the triumph g-string and those whu bot the cake. I feel so loved! Even the unglam me was embarrassed to parade round the quad waving my black sexy g string. ehehehe but i loike! sexyy. whooots.

okok. As always on the night before, i always wonder whu'd the first person to wish u is. i never fail to be amused. hahaha

11.57 : vanX
11.59 : Ilyas ( ALAMAK!!! AHAHAHAHHAHA)
12.07 : big ben!

i was pleasantly surprised.
sigh. i just rmb i still nid to switch coms to print stuff. sigh
{ 6:46 AM }

-laughs- i'im like hooked on My weak heart i burn. i like the tune.

Just came back from some dinner my mom hosted supposedly for my birthday. Ate a ton . felt like shit the whole time. Its funnie. when u're young, u feel so happy that ev.one's here and that they give u pressies and ang baos and shit. Thn when u finally mature, u come to realise all they're in for is the food. they dont give a shit bout ur birthday. they dont even care about u.

I tried so hard to maintain my facade, i tried so hard not to tell everyone to fuck off and walk out of the room. who are these people? i dont know.

And the ppl around my table sucked. ( for political reasons, i feel inclined to object but oh whatever). i wanted to slap my nephews so bad. they were so noisy. none of them cud stop crying. if only i had a silencer. and my cousins were no more estranged than i was with ev.one there. mel was awfully quiet. i wanted to just like die there or walk out. but i cudnt cos it wudnt be right

Cried.

I feel so empty and alone.

oh. hi cousin! if u're reading this. haha.


{ 8:35 AM }

As each year passes, i grow less interested in presents . I'm not saying i dont want presents ;p , I mean i dont really care if u give me one or not, especially if u are my bestest best friend, even more when u're just a fair weather friend. I am really thankful to my mom for this whole thing.
We've been doing this for like..3 yrs i think? i hope it becomes like a tradition or something. heh . cos i love spending time with both of them.

And it seems, ev.year something has to cock up. something definately has to go wrong . this time, den lost baby. i wondered how she even managed to have fun? i'd be depressed if i were her. i guess thats just in her nature . i hope she finds him soon.

Fuck the heartbreaks.
Love you guys, mwuah (:
{ 1:54 AM }

Despite having only three hours of lessons, I only left school at 5pm. It was a boring , long ,draggy, cloudy , cooling day which made me feel melacholic . I like the idea of punctuanting the 3 hour lessons with many many breaks, but somehow i just wanted to get it over and done ev.thing todae? too many breaks. too little thing to do? bah whatever

Bow Strength ( this sounds like those flashy army names dont u think?? =p) taught Denise and I this prediction thingy using cards. Its was so accurate it freaked teo out . I was pleasantly surprised.

Rushed to meet sheila at wm. Ate at swesens. how romantic . that dame kept seducing me. -blush- i miss her soooo much! i still love her to bits. even tho..AHEM. i never like sharing but its okie :) just so damn happy for u.

Bumped into Person X . now that Was an unpleasant surprise. -laughs-

Told mel about it and all she sed was ' dont care' Ouch.

This wk has been so draining. I fall to bed exhaused, and wake up with puffy cresent moons under my eyes. And i like getting up. i mean. its sucha fucking drag but i get up anyways. cos somehow i'd manage to stay awake thru school. and i like feeling oh so sleepy at night. and i like dozing off on my study table. I like all of these cos i like pushing myself to the edge. ONLY cos i dont like tossing and turning in bed with thoughts zooming past ur mind . its irritating.
{ 7:10 AM }

Golly wolly jolly holly molly my cuz has a blog! wahahahaha . During prac, i had this immese urge to tease him about it. Not too long ago, i was sooo close to tagging. -laughs- how aweeesommee . i hope he doesnt chance upon mine. >.<

I survived the Long Monday. i feel an overwhelming sense of pride and accomplishment.

Haven't told anyone. been harbouring some stupid inane ..i dont know.. hope? just plain day dreaming. -slaps myself- i cant .
{ 6:55 AM }

My mom came into my room, anxious about my test grades and what not. When she found out that my cuz did better, not only did she accuse me of having 'no face' but made the whole thing appear to be some life or death situation. I was unpleasantly irate. Partly because i was already in a foul mood .

I didnt yell at her or anything. i just looked at her and sighed and allowed her to berate me till she lost her breath or something. cos soon she realised that i was ' useless' as she puts it, and left me alone . SIGH. this has happened to many fucking times that i dont see the point of justifying myself anymore. if he's better than so be it. i dont care,really. its just her. its how she fucking makes me feel so guilty and sameful w/o any relevant cause!!!!!! -screams-

Have u ever felt so mad, u feel so suffocated by ur own anger ? i sure did.

-laughs- i wish need there was somebody to that i cud talk to right now. Golly, i'm just not opening up! AYE! WHATEVER
{ 6:52 AM }

Cher's elated cos she spent the day with her best friend and bumped into her other best friend. double whammy. That makes todae a super good day . Plus , she got herself a nice ugly skirt and a shinny ring. (LOL)

It's always easier to tell ur secrets to strangers as opposed to friends. Cos u have nothing to lose . I finally told mel. wahahhahaha. After like so long . There have been loads of times when i wanted to. but i couldnt find the right time. primarily cos the topic its ABIT hard to squeeze in to the normal conversation. but its all good -gri nn-

Whoa. sAw quite a no handful of chinky goths around. how awesome .. But there was this particular crowd which cudnt quite carry wht they were wearing. so i was abit grossed out. they were overly chinked out man. yuk.
{ 8:21 AM }

As with a busy life, comes less blogging. Time seems to zoom past. A week seems like no more than a day.

I dont know what happened to me, or what didnt happen . I find myself estranged from my friends, hating everything and everyone in sight. I have once again regressed into some invidious lump of poo poo. Not that i wear a frown 24/7. In fact, i laugh like shit. ( pun unintended) More like uncontrollably at the dumbest of things.

Come to think of it, its silly how sch girls like to laugh at the lamest of things. A simple mindless geture can send em into hoards of laughter. Its weird... Have our lives become so pathetic that we laugh at such stupid things?

One thing to be contented with; I've been doing my hw. Burying myself in books just to escape feeling idle. Keeeping myself busy hinders my mind from dreaming of impossibles and what ifs and if onlys. And the one entity that can counter all my efforts is my humble abode. I'm alone most of the time, esp during the wkends, so its only natural that my mind conjures up a million diff shit to keep me company.

I have no plans for tmr as yet. -bites nails-


{ 6:55 AM }

Ah. a chain of breakdowns. Denise-last night. Me- this morning. WL- this evening.

Mine was horrible. I was stuggling to stop crying/sobbing cos i didnt want horrible puffed up eyes. Its what she does, its her thing. i cant change her. When something crops up, and she doesnt let it out that day. she'll brood about it. And the more she thinks, she angrier she gets. and fianlly when it reaches a cresendo, she lashes it out with double the venom. she gets out of control. i feel like slapping her or hitting her just to get herself in control. stop hallucinating or talking bull cos non of it isnt true. ARGGHHHH

The argument got so heated to the point she almost barred me frm gg to school. i'd prefer that but i dont want to coup myself in a penace with a mad woman around. i'd kill myself. so thank dad for getting me out of the hse .

This is one of the rare times when i appreciate him being my father.

I stopped reading all the happy sunshine blogs. they're so happi it makes me sad.
{ 6:55 AM }

oh my ouh my oh no. Things have not been going my way. It seems like the world is against me. Hey, i guess thats how everyone feels when the hormones fuck up.

Any hoooo, i got caught for my skirt this morning. what a horrible way to start of the morning. What ticked me off wasnt becos she caught me.. it was cos she insisted that my bloody skirt was still of unacceptable length after i unfolded it. !~@!$*& gee man. -laughs- subsequently denise got caught too.

but thats not the point. Luan tucked in her blouse to far in her skirt that i thot it was guna emerge out of her skirt. i was laughing uncontrollably. That girl rocks .

yeah i thot i shud update.

hEe. i day dreamed the whole 2 hrs of chinky. i loike pretending.
{ 7:05 AM }

There are bullet holes where compassion used to be

Hanabanana Choo Wei Chen Ben Fong Nick Gary

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