I've been in a perpetual state of frenzy since the start of school. That stupid ethics/SDP lesson made me feel like every minute i'm not doing something productive counts as wasting time ( thats not necessarrily the case) Its like being stressed 24/7 even tho..i think i'm quite on track. haha. I failed the chem test. hurrah. The guys behind me make me feel like a slacker even tho..i think im not much of one. Its like people in class act like they're not doing anything but the tuts are magically done fucking before hand. -cringe- sigh. oh well. cher declares her self proclaim break. I need time for catharsis too.

I should feel a sense of accomplishment for getting thru the longest day of the fucking odd week. I felt like dying.It was horrible. I guess PE helped me destress a little. Dont know why i ran with luan an extra three rounds but it felt kinda good. Would have ran more if it wasnt for the sun. hurr.

Denise had a bee in her pants. hahahaha really. I commend her relative calmness about the situation. If i were in her shoes i'd be hysterical.

Dinner was kind of horrible even tho it was Breeks.

For a change, i'm not gonna try to cheer myself up. I'll let my little black cloud rain on me, till it has exhausted all those lil trinklets. Everytime i try to push it away or try to get someone to push it away things just get worse.

Its different this time.
I'll let my demons eat me alive
{ 6:27 AM }

my eyes burn. I should have just gone straight home after school instead of hanging around bean trying to study when i left my study materials in schol, while waiting for him . I dont think I was productive..even tho i managed to get some work done. I hate math. I hate math. I am like long over due in handing in the file with 2 incomplete tutorials, i need to fucken do them but i dont have the stupid time. RARH. I NEED TO GET THEM DONE TMR. HOPEFULLY

I was reading up on Adam Nash and the whole ethical debate over his existance. Some people claim that what his parents did was wrong because they conceived him for an ulterior motive, which doesnt encompass the idea of having a child sorely based on maternal instinct. In other words, those bunch of people are making a fuss because Adam shudnt have been on this Earth, if not for his sister's illness. If so, thn why should the issue of shotgun and children being 'mistakes' be trivialised just because the whole controversal shit about embryo's and stem cells is not put in play. Its the same isnt it.. adam and those other kids. They're all impromtu creations.

haha i dont know. All these gp questions , these thot provoking issues.. all ' lan pa pa lan' as he puts it. quite true. pendulum balls.

hi i liked the long walk home. =]
{ 5:53 AM }

{ 6:37 AM }

Finally, the week is over and i finally get to see my sexy beast. Even though it has been four days since we last met, it felt like..i dunno . very long. I'm glad this week is over. Fought with him alot and it hurt. Kinda got into trouble in school. And it sucked. that coupled with the neverending assignments and tests.. I was a walking cranky bitch. Not to forget my flu and cough and sore throat and fever plus that stupid comp on sunday ( i cant wait to get it over and done with) . Odd..and probably a pity, that i'm entering into a comp with such a lousy attitude.

I like him all pretty. With pins in ur hair and needles under ur skin

With only one fucking thing on our minds.

I wish i had the courage to tell you everything

{ 7:55 AM }

{ 5:55 AM }

I don’t care what people say about you. I love you. Even if the whole world is against us, I’ll still stand by you. Lying in bed, pillow drenched with tears, sometimes I feel like throwing everything we have away because the agonizing wait for it all to end becomes unbearable. I assume the role of a haughty child and tell myself I can live without you. Who am I kidding. I prolly can..if circumstances drive me so..but I wouldn’t want to. I kick myself every time I let my moods get the better of me. I dig deep and hope to scratch out all my imperfections so that I could be a doll for you. Plastic and perfect.

And I wished you lied about everything u said.
{ 6:30 AM }

I should..never believe what you say. Maybe because you make me feel so vulnerable. I want to feel safe.. sometimes. Most of the time. Its the little things that matters more. I dont know what i'm saying. Go away..come back..go away...come back..go away..come back..

I'm down with a horrid torrent of illness. flu, cough, fever. the usual. I slept alot..and the amount of tissue i used to soak the mucus from my nose is enuff to act as a pseudo mattress. I did a little homework..but most of my time was spent lying in bed, waking up periodically to text him. There was alot of drilling going on

I realise that i face my dad with a scowl. I think he's mean. One day, karma will get to you. I'm still waiting.

I miss the holidays and waking up next to him and hanging out with you with only one fucking thing on our minds. I hate school and the time and your stupid assignments tt you have to rush and your stupid school which ends so late. I hate how you're always so far away. I hate how i feel.

There's a slut in everyone. Think twice when you call somebody one next time. You're not repulsed..you're just jealous; that she can make your boyfriend orgasm a million times better than you can.

I miss you. gah. even these three simple words doesnt convey the intensity of it. RArh.
{ 4:29 AM }

stress streess stressssss. Skipping one day of school has brought on some serious ramnifications. A shitload of homework and copying to do. Under my strong adherence to ignorance, i'm not quite sure what has to be done. To make things worse, i left my file in school..so in a sense i am forced to relax? haha i wish. I'm silently panicking. In addition, i've got some major packing to do. (we're moving back) whoohoo. I dont quite like my new room cos its a little sunshine. BUt the lamp makes it totally sexable. -laughs- i dont like the table cos its too low and i cant cross my legs.

Fucking hell. I feel like hitting my mother with an axe or something. just put a fucking depression in her brain to shut her up. To stop her from worrying. To stop those silly illogical unfounded presumptions she has.

I see fake J1s around, wrapped in plastic.
oh and chink shit, GO AWAY. heh.

Nise and i forsaked training for a theraputic time in class.

I met my PIL ( Poser I Like) after school . i couldnt see him even tho he was standing in front of me cos i was busy searching for the guy in black but he was so sunshine today. I had problems looking at him. you know, you shine so bright.
{ 5:42 PM }

I wanna die. I think I should die.
I am blessed with this precious gift called life, so treasured and lived to the fullest… by everyone except me. I think I’m not worthy of living and I bet there are a million others in their graves who are dying (lol) to take my place. To reclaim what they have lost.


I am here now, living and breathing , more for the sake of others than myself. I school because its what I should do and what my parents want me to. My face is free from any holes , my skin is not graced with any scars ( fresh one for that matter) because I dread the trouble it’ll bring when my mother finds out. I am living a stifled life for the sake of living through it because everyone else is living it. The only difference between the others and myself is their willingness to conform and my potent desire to live the way I want; even if it means offending everyone and marring my reputation and incurring lots of hate from others. I want to live free. Its all I ask for. I know its impossible. And I know I am writing under the coat of an angst teenager. But that’s no excuse for disregarding what I feel..right? whatever. Fuck you.

Why am I even alive? According to Darwin or Mendal or whichever evolutionist/scientist life is all about the survival of the fittest. Well I’m fucking unfit for surviving this horrid world. KILL ME ALREADY. Like how preys get their windpipes pierced and die within minutes. Why do lesser species enjoy the luxury of a fast death while the superior race gets tortured and taunted by death and the notion of suicide? My mental is as weak as nise’s wobbly knees after mass PE. I don’t have the push to give my best at everything. I go against the tide of conformity – the very essential tool one needs in order to get thru today’s society. I’m not exactly competitive. All these signs point to the direction of a secured deathrow, yet…I’m “forced” ( a perceived inclination) to let old age send me to my grave.

I am not happy and this is a complain to whom it may concern.

Don’t tell me to look around me and how I’ll realize there’s so much beauty in this world. Excuse me but what has all that gotta do with me?

ps/ i wrote this in a dizzy state of paranoia, insecurity and distress. tsk.
{ 6:32 AM }

So its back to the quotidian cycle of sleep school and homework. Perhaps my enthusiasm in getting everything organised and trying to finish what i'm supposed to do in time can be accorded to the fact that..it has only been five days into the year and stress and the vacuous life of a j2 has not caught up with me...yet.

I had a bad day. Aside from that, school ( exluding academic stuff) has been somewhat enjoyable. The class have been devoid of any tensions ( *ok i cant say why) since skull started and the guys are still mischievous as ever.

i crashed mass dance with luan during our break. it was HILARIOUS seeing him dance. retarded really. i laughed so hard, with an abandon the sch never heard of before. I dont think thriller on the stereo..

mass pe fuct. everyone stank. I dont like school shorts because they give ugly tanlines and they obstruct mobility.


{ 4:10 AM }

Pretty girl is suffering while he confesses everything
pretty soon she'll figure out what his intentions were about
And that's what you get for falling again
you can never get him out of your head
and that's what you get for falling again
you can never get him out of your head


It's the way that he makes you cry
It's the way that he's in your mind
It's the way that he makes you fall in love
It's the way that he makes you feel
It's the way that he kisses you
It's the way that he makes you fall in love

.... fucker

ps/ this sounds like a i-just-got-dumped entry. ha ha
{ 6:14 AM }

my fucking mother burned a hole in my skirt while ironing the fucking thing. You should have heard the fucking righteous tone of her fucking voice as she defended herself. how unfair. If we switched roles, i wud have gotten a hell of a nag. fucker.
{ 5:45 AM }

In 2006..i took myself out from my comfort zone and immsersed myself in a completely new environment. I really did it to get away from swiss people. Not that i hate all of them. I just..needed a change. a new scene. or something. I guess everything turned out for the better in the end. If i had a chance i wudnt have it any other way. I made new friends. Life still pretty much sucked. BUT it sucked less because i was so inundated with school that i hardly had time to mull about my decrepit love life and unreasonable parents.

if 06 did anything, it made me more matured. I learnt to be more understanding..in terms of my parents' decisions. I learnt tt it is possible to live thru a heartbreak. Time does heal wounds .

perhaps most importantly, i learnt tt i did love my father. I dont think i can ever forgive him for what he did but..it wasnt until late this yr tt i realise how much i cared for him, -cringe- i'm serious.

In a sense, i did lose myself. I got so caught up with school and trying to be normal tt..i became normal. I am this close to be a fully functional hallow clay product of the rigid sg education. I conformed -hangs head in shame- A pragmatic decision? i dont wanna lose myself.

Public fights. I need to avoid them. I'm still keeping it in.

In the end, i still think there's alot of growing up ahead of me. I'm still a kid at alot of things.

Sometimes, i think we're crazy in love.

My new year's resolution?
Just live and breathe, and try not to die again (:
{ 8:55 AM }

There are bullet holes where compassion used to be

Hanabanana Choo Wei Chen Ben Fong Nick Gary

06/01/2004 - 07/01/2004 08/01/2004 - 09/01/2004 09/01/2004 - 10/01/2004 10/01/2004 - 11/01/2004 11/01/2004 - 12/01/2004 12/01/2004 - 01/01/2005 01/01/2005 - 02/01/2005 02/01/2005 - 03/01/2005 03/01/2005 - 04/01/2005 04/01/2005 - 05/01/2005 05/01/2005 - 06/01/2005 06/01/2005 - 07/01/2005 07/01/2005 - 08/01/2005 08/01/2005 - 09/01/2005 09/01/2005 - 10/01/2005 10/01/2005 - 11/01/2005 11/01/2005 - 12/01/2005 12/01/2005 - 01/01/2006 01/01/2006 - 02/01/2006 02/01/2006 - 03/01/2006 03/01/2006 - 04/01/2006 04/01/2006 - 05/01/2006 05/01/2006 - 06/01/2006 06/01/2006 - 07/01/2006 07/01/2006 - 08/01/2006 08/01/2006 - 09/01/2006 09/01/2006 - 10/01/2006 10/01/2006 - 11/01/2006 11/01/2006 - 12/01/2006 12/01/2006 - 01/01/2007 01/01/2007 - 02/01/2007 02/01/2007 - 03/01/2007 03/01/2007 - 04/01/2007 04/01/2007 - 05/01/2007 05/01/2007 - 06/01/2007 06/01/2007 - 07/01/2007 07/01/2007 - 08/01/2007 08/01/2007 - 09/01/2007 09/01/2007 - 10/01/2007 10/01/2007 - 11/01/2007 11/01/2007 - 12/01/2007 12/01/2007 - 01/01/2008 01/01/2008 - 02/01/2008 02/01/2008 - 03/01/2008 03/01/2008 - 04/01/2008 04/01/2008 - 05/01/2008 05/01/2008 - 06/01/2008 06/01/2008 - 07/01/2008 07/01/2008 - 08/01/2008 08/01/2008 - 09/01/2008 09/01/2008 - 10/01/2008 10/01/2008 - 11/01/2008 11/01/2008 - 12/01/2008 12/01/2008 - 01/01/2009 01/01/2009 - 02/01/2009 02/01/2009 - 03/01/2009 03/01/2009 - 04/01/2009 04/01/2009 - 05/01/2009 05/01/2009 - 06/01/2009 06/01/2009 - 07/01/2009 07/01/2009 - 08/01/2009 08/01/2009 - 09/01/2009 09/01/2009 - 10/01/2009 10/01/2009 - 11/01/2009 11/01/2009 - 12/01/2009 12/01/2009 - 01/01/2010 01/01/2010 - 02/01/2010 02/01/2010 - 03/01/2010 03/01/2010 - 04/01/2010 04/01/2010 - 05/01/2010 07/01/2010 - 08/01/2010 09/01/2010 - 10/01/2010 10/01/2010 - 11/01/2010 11/01/2010 - 12/01/2010 01/01/2011 - 02/01/2011 02/01/2011 - 03/01/2011

Designer: inksplash
Resources: 1 2 3 4